Listmania

Though not entirely Pheonix-like in its comeback, elcid over at hb&t has a very good post about the AFI 100 movies list. I’m pretty much as shocked as he is at some of the movies that were included in the new list, almost to the point of writing a letter to the editor of the International Herald-Tribune (Given the slowness of transatlantic shipping, it seems advisable to send my complaint to the European version of the American paper of record. And speaking of The Times, today’s paper featured a rather troubling Britishism: “Perhaps a few of the people queuing on the street or online for this new device really do need a new cellphone or digital music player.” And speaking of today, did you know that today is both Camera day and National Ducks and Wetlands Day? I wonder how often these holidays collide, and whether or not flickr will see a surge of duck photos tomorrow. But I digress…). But with scarcely any time to write a decent bit of correspondence before the American Express closes, I’ll focus my frustrations on another list, the Modern Library’s 100 greatest English novels of the 20th century.

In general, the list is a pretty good survey of English literature, albeit a bit staid and outdated. The Jazz age is overrepresented and postmodernism underrepresented. In particular, Gravity’s Rainbow and Waiting for the Barbarians should be included while any number of books could easily be dropped. Other than that, my problem with the list is more autobiographical. I’ve easily read over half of the books on the list, but very few within the last 8 years–the time when I’ve been best equipped to understand them. If anything, my readings for many of the earlier books are probably completely invalid. As a lover of lists, I almost feel compelled to reread all the ones I read during the follies of my youth. Sadly, I fear it will be you, my dear readers, who suffer.

Totally unjustified reassessment of the day: Brideshead Revisited which has now jumped from my least favorite Evelyn Waugh to my most. Though not as funny as Scoop, Waugh’s subtlety of language is beautiful, and BR easily his most assured book.

One last note on the AFI: I cannot express my delight that “Yankee Doodle Dandy” is still on the list, and is in fact now ranked higher. I was worried this fine musical would fall away completely. Although the AFI voters make a lot of mistakes, this wasn’t one of them.

This Post has Nothing to Do with Cholera

No matter how helpful  the MTA’s been, I can’t see them allowing this on the Subway any time soon.

It’s gonna be hard topping a dinner party on the Tube, although rumour has it that ibiteyoureyes will be throwing his nuptials on the Miami Metro Mover. Consider yourselves invited.

A Train a-coming?

From Curbed comes actual, tangible, proof that the 2nd Avenue Subway is coming to a town, er, 2nd avenue near you. I am 100% behind the construction of the 2nd avenue line, and I’ve been terribly disheartened by its delays. For their part, the MTA seems to be doing whatever they can to help riders or at least keep them in the loop. In fact, MTA spokesman Johan van Rimsdyk sent me this bit of news to share with you, o wise and greenhouse-gas conscious readers.

“Dear Dash-

Can you please send this along to your readers? We’re doing whatever we can to get the word out about our new services. Thnx.

P.S. Je prefere “La Salad d’hiers” de loin aux “Pommes de terre rissolees….et pain grille,” et j’adore la royaume des gros seins, Brandy Taylor.

Due to ongoing congestion on the IRT Lexington Avenue Line (4-5-6), and continuing delays in building the 2nd Avenue Subway, the MTA is proud to announce an exciting new service for East Side commuters. As of Monday, the completed sections of the 2nd Avenue Subway, running from 99th to 105th street, and 110th to 120th street, will be open and made available to all licensed NYC Pedicabs, rickshaw operators, and eight-year-old children pulling Radio Flyers. Commuters wishing to take advantage of this new service should enter the tunnels through temporary access points located in the middle of most major streets. These TAPS are small circular holes covered by removable lids. Once riders have entered these access points they will still need to descend a 100 foot ladder in order to reach the subway. While there is no charge for accessing the tunnels, riders should be advised that their rickshaw/pedicab driver is most likely a starving Brooklyn/Lower East Side “artiste”, and failure to renumerate the driver will result in scathing criticism of the passenger in at least two of the following formats: blogs, unpublished poetry, rejected submissions to literary journals, indie rock songs, and negative comments on said passenger’s myspace page.

The MTA is also proud to announce that it has partnered with the Walt Disney Company (NYSE: DIS) to create the New York City “Mining Experience.” For a limited time only, patrons will be sent on a magical journey to the Appalachia of Yesteryear. Starting at 105th and 2nd Avenue, patrons will be given a pickax, a flashlight, a helmet, a canary, and detailed instructions on mining technique. They will then have the opportunity to practice these new skills in a “Simulated Mining Environment” under the supervision of animatronic foremen, lovingly crafted by Disney Imagineers. Although Disney does not expect any accidents or injuries to occur, in the unlikely event of a sudden mine collapse or gas leak, customers are expected to provide for their own health care costs. Should any customers threaten legal action, the Walt Disney Company will shut the mine and devastate the local economy. While no specific end-date for the ride has been set, the ride will close once the mission has been accomplished and a tunnel has been dug from 105th to 110th and 2nd avenue. Should the ME meet commercial expectations, the MTA has plans to partner with United Artists on a “Great Escape” ride, wherein riders will dig tunnels from 99th to 96th street while fleeing from Nazis.

Finally, as part of its ongoing commitment to rebuilding the Gulf Coast, and its core mission of improving the lives of its customers, the MTA is proud to announce that the Staten Island Ferry will be replaced by casino gambling. In place of the current fleet of unattractive ferry boats, the MTA will purchase authentic Mississippi riverboats to be staffed by authentic Gulf Coast refugees. In anticipation of increased ridership demands, the MTA will double the number of ferries currently serving the route. Staten Island commuters should be advised that speeds on the new service will be slower than on the older ferries, so as to provide optimal time for tourists and residents of real boroughs to gamble. The MTA recommends commuters allow an additional 45 minutes to an hour during rush hour, and an additional two hours during off-peak hours. Proceeds from Hudson River gambling will be divided between various Katrina relief organization, the Republican National Committee, and the 2nd Avenue Subway capital campaign.

Customers should visit www.mta.info for updated information on these services. 

Tomb Raider Anniversary: Gaming and WOTD Collision

’round about, oh 1996, a little gem of a game called Tomb Raider was released. Featuring immersive 3-D graphics (at least, for its time), Tomb Raider was a challenging mix of adventure and puzzle-solving. The puzzles themselves had many layers of difficulty, as players not only had to figure out how to get from one very precarious point to another, but how to do so using only their character’s acrobatic repertoire (which contained feats of varying difficulty), all the while avoiding the myriad traps and beasties that could reduce their lovely little character to giblets.

And what a character! In the media blitz surrounding the game’s release, Lara Croft, the game’s buoyant buxom protagonist, ran the gamut from sex symbol to stereotype to riot grrl to spokeswoman/icon for Timberland boots. While this hullabaloo certainly drove sales of the game up into the stratosphere, it also set the stage for the franchise’s downfall, or at least, the rapid decline of its future titles.*

Thanks to the genius of marketing, Lara Croft went from being a wee English crumpet (with big breasts) who explores mysterious (and dangerous) ruins filled with captivating (and deadly) creatures and deadly (really deadly) traps, to a bad-ass wee English crumpet (with bigger breasts) who shoots bad people (who also have huge guns) and blows shit up left and right (yep).

In sum:

+Cup sizes

+Automatic weapons

-Adventure

-Puzzles

On the Supreme Importance of Sub-Par European Beers (Or, an Ode to Carlsberg)

There is no product in the world with a better slogan than Carlsberg beer: Probably the best Beer in the World. It’s instantly memorable, and totally irrefutable. One can challenge whether or not Gilette is the best a man can get, but how can one ever disagree with Carlsberg’s non-declarative ad campaign? They’ve couched their bets against all criticism. The beer itself is decidedly cheap and average, available in 500ml cans for 11 sheqels, but that doesn’t stop them from proclaiming their likely superiority to American microbrews and Guinness (whose ad campaign is self-defeating. “Guinness is Good For You.” Other than carrots, has anything good for you really lived up to the hype?), nor does it stop American bars from charging upwards of 6 dollars in Gold bullion, or 500 billion Yugoslavian Dinars for a pint.

Carlsberg is something that I miss when I leave European or Israel. Despite its averageness I find myself willing to pay whatever bars want to charge for it back in the states. It’s something small that I can hold onto when I get back home, something that reminds me of travel and the idea of travel. Languages slip away from you; your breezy chatter with the sweep whilst ordering drinks fades, but the beer is still there. Maybe that’s why, 60 years after the end of colonialism, IPAs are still as popular as ever. We may not need Beers strong enough to serve the long sea journey to India anymore, but we can still drink them.

Presumably there will be posts about good European beers in the future; as Grover says in “Kicking and Screaming”, there’s the going abroad, “… now I know how bad American beer is thing.” But today seemed like the right time to focus on the things you miss without missing. Going abroad you may realize American coffee is terrible, but sometimes you just want to sit at a diner with a bottomless cup.

Yesterday’s Salad: Perfect for when you’re chilling in your Mazda eating pasta

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Harry Potter Can’t Stop the Rock

I’ll admit I’m a little late to this whole Harry Potter spoiler thing (possible spoiler alert: this link is funny but may contain a big-time spoiler for the next Harry Potter book. Not that anyone involved with Yesterday’s Salad reads Harry Potter to be spoiled. We only experience Harry Potter qua cultural manifestation and only then by reading it in Latin and petitioning for its inclusion in Esperanto)–so late, in fact, that we had to learn about it from the New York Times, which hardly means it’s new any more. The Times correctly points out that with so many contradictory spoilers running around, there could certainly be some correct information making its way over the ether, but how would anyone ever be able to tell? A couple of years ago, in advance of “Matrix Reloaded” there were rumours floating around that the entire Matrix was inside the Merovingian’s head, and that when Trinity is seen holding a gun to his head, the who Matrix is being threatened. In retrospect that’s a much cooler movie than the one that was actually made, but movies aren’t made in retrospect; they’re made on computers.

The best part of this particular “spoiler” is that it assigns agency to the Pope, thus exploiting a reliable trope of the conspiracy theory genre. The papacy is probably responsible for 90 percent of the various conspiracies out there–including Yesterday’s Salad’s own Borat conspiracy. (And people say Fox TV is Godless!) That the Papacy is the object of a conspiracy instead of the conspirators is the real reason that Godfather III fails; no-one buys it.

The word “conspiracy” sadly does not come from Khan’s Piracy, no-matter what the Yale Record says (Elis are the most cleverest people); the word’s origin is far more mundane, meaning breath (spire) together (con). It does, however, have the nice alternate form conspiration which is now rare.

Even though the Vatican is given culpability, I can’t believe the spoiler. There’s just not enough detail for it to be true (although it still could be; but really, if you had hacked into Bloomsbury, wouldn’t you put whole text up to prove you had the book? Then again, if Anne Hathaway can get book 7 to give to a group of bratty kids, maybe it is easily hackable).

So in honour of this fiasco, I recommend kicking back with the Harry Potter special issue of Critical Inquiry and rocking out to some Harry and the Potters. Everything will be alright at Hogwarts, or, isn’t it pretty to think so?

The Office: Win a Date with Pam

Sadly, I don’t think NBC is planning on running a “Win a Date with Jenna Fischer” contest anytime soon (at least not as long as she’s in bed with a broken back–although that would make for an interesting date), but it does make for the most likely plot scenario of The Office Video Game. While I’m a fan of the show, I can’t real see its potential as a video game. After all, sitcoms don’t make for particularly great games.

The “Gilligan’s Island” game is frequently mentioned as one of the worst video games of all-time. This is mostly because Gilligan is always falling down holes. The games defenders, however put it differently: “It could easily be argued that the “bad behavior” of the A.I. Gilligan was representative of the way the character was always fouling the castaways rescue attempts on the show on which the game is based.” (from wikipedia. It’s often not too hard to discern the different authors in wikipedia articles.) In my opinion, the biggest problem with the “Gilligan’s Island” game is that it is a pretty straightforward puzzle solver rather than an investigation of the Island’s mysteries e.g. how celebrities seem to have a magical ability to make it onto the island, the preponderance of cannibals in the vicinity of the island, how Mr. Howell’s antics do not result in widespread class conflict, and whatever happened to the Dharma initiative.

The only really good Sitcom video game is “The Simpsons: Virtual Springfield” which was a Myst like game in which characters walk around investigating the various Springfield attractions. I thought the game was great, as the Simpsons’ success is its mythical universe. Sadly, the German PC Gamer was not very fond of the game.

“Eine Handlung gibt’s in Virtual Springfield nicht, die hätte bei der Entwicklung wohl zuviel Arbeit gemacht; stattdessen können Sie diverse Gebäude betreten und werden z. B. in Apu’s Kwik-e-Mart oder in der Noiseland Arcade mit billigen Mini-Games à la Slugfest abgespeist – unterstes Shareware-Niveau! Fans der Serie werden sich darüber vielleicht kranklachen und die erwartungsgemäß derbe Sprachausgabe mit den Originalstimmen zu schätzen wissen. Wer Bart & Co. jedoch nicht unbedingt zum Leben braucht, sollte Virtual Springfield weiträumig umfahren.”

“The Office” hasn’t built up anywhere near the fabula of the Simpsons, and certainly not enough to necessitate a world-exploration game. The plan is to make it a puzzle game about office pranks, but that seems pretty silly. I’m sure the game will be terrible. On the other hand, it’ll probably be better than “Enter the Matrix.”

Trip of Errors, Part 2

A little under a year ago, I embarked on a house hunting trip to Boston. But not one to be contented with a direct flight, I took a 6 am flight from Milwaukee, with a stop in Detroit (That’s Rock City to you, folks). Surprisingly, things went fine. All the flights were on schedule, and after surviving a heatwave, I ended up finding an apartment in what was then a zombie-free Davis Square. Of course, my luck with round-about flights ended with my epic-length journey to Israel ending solely in dissatisfaction and the Star Alliance Overnight Male Grooming Kit.

I booked passage on a standard one-stop US-London-Tel Aviv flight. I didn’t have too much time to change flights, but it wasn’t disconcertingly little, either. And even though I wasn’t able to check-in early, I did eventually talk my way into an aisle seat. In other words, things went well until thunderstorms west of Chicago delayed us three hours and I missed my connection. In London, I went through security than waited on a queue for an hour to be rebooked. I tried to get on the next BA flight, but they wouldn’t confirm me a seat. They instead offered me a seat on a flight to Vienna, then a flight from Vienna to Tel Aviv. I took it, then called my dad for about a minute to book me a hotel room in Tel Aviv (eventually, I learned that that phone call cost me 30 dollars). I switched terminals, went through another security queue, waiting on line at the ticket counter, and got my seat. Then I waited, calling my dad to ask him about the hotel room (another 30 dollar call). The best he could find me was a one-bedroom business person’s suite. There went my cheap summer. By the time I finally got to Tel Aviv, my luggage was nowhere to be found. I called my dad again to let him know (another 30–not a joke). It’s been two-days and its whereabouts are still unknown. The airline was kind enough to give me a grooming kit, however. I maintain it’s because I told them I was a Roman citizen.

I would now like to offer a few tips for improving air-travel as one who has been so recently wronged:

1. Model Flight Attendants. India’s Kingfisher airlines employs only models, outfitting them in designer costumes. This should hold true for the male flight attendants as well as the female flight attendants. I’m not saying the airline needs to go all Hooters Air and introduce non-airline employees into the equation. I’m merely suggesting they take aesthetics into consideration (on that note–redesign the uniforms!). Also, my only criteria is that the applicant have modelling experience. They could be a traditional model, plus-size model, or hand model (ala George), for all I care. This bullet point is about posturing.

2. Better Baggage Service. Instead of giving our luggage to an airline employee and then having it disappear perhaps to appear again at the other side, I suggest that each passenger have the option of personally throwing their baggage onto the plane. The airline can even charge for this option, the “baggage handler reality experience.” Also, bike racks on the roof of the plane would be nice.

And Now He Is In Business

Having recently moved into an apartment on 14 St Marks Pl, I am prepared to evaluate the neighborhood and why it is better than yours.

REASON #1 – Crif Dogs
There is a place, scant blocks from my apartment, where one can order a Spicy Redneck for < $5. A Spicy Redneck consists of a hotdog weiner wrapped in bacon, nestled in a cozy bun, and then topped with chili, jalepeños, and cole slaw. Does such a place exist in your neighborhood?

I thought not.

Also worth mentioning, if only for its inferiority, is the newly opened Good Dog exactly three doors from my apartment. Good Dog features standard hot dogs with uninspired toppings at reasonable prices. While not a terrible place, I see it struggling to survive amidst Chickpea, Crif Dogs, multiple yakitori bars, and a new Mamouns, etc etc ETC. Curiously, Crif Dogs, the superior of cuisine, employs a comedienne whose career has never and will never exist, while Good Dog features a serving man in the beginnings of what may proof to be a legitimate standup life.