The Oreo Cookie Superpower: When Products Take Over A Country

There aren’t many things in this world that I’d rather bite than eyes, but Oreo cookies (dipped in milk) is one of them. But I guess I’m going to have to rethink this whole Oreo and milk situation. After so many years of benevolent cookie dominance, it looks like the Oreo has grown too powerful (and too arrogant!) for its own good. Worse, I think that the Oreo cookie may have corrupted good old Milk on its way to the top.

I’m still reeling from the discovery that Kellog’s now has a line of products that can make milk more fun. “Chocolate syrup be damned,” they said. “The dip-sip-munch is the most exciting way to drink milk since the breast.” And maybe that’s when it started, this crazy idea that Milk – after thousands of years, needed to, or should…change.

But let us take a step back. Just what has the Oreo cookie done?

Watch (or I’ll milk your eyes):

Classic Oreo slogan: America’s Favorite Cookie

New Oreo slogan: Milk’s Favorite Cookie

That’s right. The Oreo cookie has supplanted America. Worse, in order to accomplish this, it has taken something that used to be wonderful and pure (poor Milk!) and turned it into…this…

“I know what everyone is thinking,” Milk stated at a press conference for Nabisco. “I’ve been around a long, long time. Since the dawn of your civilization. Heck, I had a big hand in starting you folks off. Why, now, did I decide to take some of that power for myself?” Milk then laughed, and took off his (mega-cool!) sunglasses. “The short of it is that I need to look out for numero uno, too. You know, the old Leche Grande. That’s Spanish for The Big Cheese. Yeah. Cheese is made out of me. I’m also responsible for Pizza.”

That does not sound like the Milk that I grew up with, the Milk that I know…and love. Here’s what happened. I know it’s what happened, because I am making it up right now (Official Bush Administration Seal of Approval).

Oreo and Milk spend a lot of time with each other. They’ve been in each other’s company since the invention of the Oreo in 1912. The cookie half of this relationship has prospered since that time, eventually earning the esteemed subtitle that until recently adorned its packaging – America’s Favorite Cookie. Milk, up until recently, just smiled and smiled from its place in the background, content with its more robust, more important life. Milk, after all, makes babies grow. And gets to paint mustaches on celebrities. And celebrity Heroes.

The short of it: Milk is powerful. It always has been. And Oreos are powerful, when you partner them with Milk, and a gigantic marketing budget, and a nation of fatties looking to get fattier. Put Oreos and Milk together, and you’ve got a whole snackload of power. And like the eyebiter has always said, “Power corrupts. Absolute power corrupts absolutely. And American power corrupts with cookies and marketing budgets.”

And so we arrive. The fault, as usual, is America’s. We are responsible for the creation of this Oreo Cookie Superpower, for Milk’s moral decline, and for this young man’s sad, unfortunate life. America gave the Oreo cookie everything it needed to do…what it has now done.

The Oreo cookie has overthrown the American government and installed a puppet regime, led (in name only!) by the once proud and pure, now cocksure and corrupt…Milk.

That’s the saddest part of all of this. I could care less about America falling at the hands of a cookie. That’s not very surprising to me. But Milk…how did you get dragged into this? What has happened to you?

“I just thought it was time for a change,” said Milk. “My days of propping up other products, like macaroni and cheese, instant mashed potatoes and instant pudding, your babies…they’re over. It’s just going to be me and Oreos from now on.”

Milk’s eyes seemed to glaze over, and he gave a dreamy smile. “Me and Oreos. You know we do it right. Yeah. We do it plain. We do it golden. We do it dipped in chocolate and we even do it double stuff. Me and Oreos. The American people are in good hands.”