2008 Watch: Why Joe Biden Will Not Be President
January 6, 2007
With my first post here at the Salad, I figured there would be nothing more appropriate to do than to piss all over the dreams of our gracious host. For those of you who don’t know, international man of derring-do Dash Hammerskjold — proprietor of Yesterday’s Salad and all of SaladCorpGlobal — is a an unabashed Biden backer. For reasons that many would call insane (including this author), Cpl. Hammerskjold is of the belief that there is only one man who can save America; one man who can set this country back on track to that shining city on the hill so it can be morning again in America. Luckily, I am here to inform you that Dash’s mad plans have once again been thwarted. Joe Biden will not be President of the United States.
Those of you still reading are probably wondering who the hell Joe Biden is (other than a man who will not be president). The short bio is that he is a long time Democratic senator from Delaware who has wanted to be president his whole life, never knows when to shut up, and is completely in the pocket of corporate special interests. I could probably end this post right here given that you could replace “Delaware” with “Massachusetts” and end up with a pretty good description of John Kerry.
Sure, I suppose I could offer reasoned, careful, and accurate analysis. I could say that, although Biden has announced his candidacy multiple times, nobody seems to have noticed. I could also mention that he is reviled by many Democrats and the polling reflects that. Furthermore, I could even bring up the political coup de grace that the last time he ran for president (1988 for those of you playing Yesterday’s Salad: the Home Edition), he dropped out in disgrace after being accused of plagiarizing a significant portion of his stump speech from a British politician. To be fair, however, that scandal was mostly trumped up by the Dukakis campaign and, given a choice, I to would rather be a known for being a plagiarist than for getting schooled by “Snoopy” Dukakis.
Let’s face it, though. Rational analysis has nothing to do with politics (See: 2004 election). So without further ado, here are the real reasons Joe Biden will not win in 2008 (after the break):
1) Joe Biden is probably a racist
And I only say”probably” because I believe in the presumption of innocence. The evidence, however, is pretty damning. For starters, he famously remarked to an Indian-American that he loves Indians because “you can’t walk into a 7-11 or Dunkin Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent.” Insensitive? You bet. Anytime a politician has to remark that they love a particular ethnic group, odds are that they have a race problem. Possibly just as bad, though, is the fact that this comment makes no sense. What is his point? Presumably he is playing on the stereotype that Indians work in gas stations and 7-11’s (like our friend BJ), but that’s not really what he’s saying. All he is saying is that you can’t walk into a 7-11 without an accent, not that you can’t work there. Is Joe Biden really suggesting that the only patrons of Dunkin Donuts are Indians and people who are faking an accent? How would he know? Does this mean that any time Joe Biden goes to DnD at 3 am to buy a cheap dozen of munchkins that he slips into a slight Indian accent? And if so, please god, is there video of this? Or does he just make sure he always has an Indian intern around to do it for him? And what did he mean by “slight” anyways?” As you can see, this one statement raised a lot of questions. Whatever his original point was, it’s been lost somewhere in this paragraph. The lesson here is that if you’re going to be a racist (a perfectly viable political strategy), you need to make sense. The only thing worse than a racist is an obtuse racist.
As it turns out, Biden learned this very lesson. Earlier this year, Biden was boasting that his state of Delaware was “a slave state.” That’s the sort of unequivocable message a candidate needs to send if he’s going to capitalize on racism in the electorate. While he’s not saying he is necessarily for slavery, he’s certainly not saying he’s against it either. Maybe he just hasn’t made up his mind. Either way, in this decidedly anti-slavery political climate, that’s good enough for most racists. So what’s the problem? Biden has apparently forgotten that he’s a Democrat and is running for the Democratic nomination. When a third of your primary electorate is probably going to be African American, suggesting that maybe they should still be in chains is not a recipe for success.
2) Joe Biden just looks like a gigantic tool
Seriously. Just look at him. One look at you can tell he’s thinking about how great he is. He has that cocky asshole smile one would expect to see on an oil baron has he’s lighting his cigar with $100 dollar bills. Of course, maybe I’m just biased because for years, Biden has reminded me of the best villain from the second best Batman movie: Max Shreck (as played by Hollywood workhorse Christopher Walken). It’s not the most striking resemblance, but I think it illustrates the point nonetheless:
In all honesty, though, if Biden were to wear suits like Walken’s on a regular basis, I’d definitely consider renaming this post to “Joe Biden Probably Won’t be President But Stranger Things Have Happened So It Wouldn’t Shock Me Too Much.” May not sound like much, but it has to be on par with going from a “triple sell” to a “don’t buy.”
3) Joe Biden has nothing to do with Brandy Taylor
Based on scientific polling conducted here at the Yesterday’s Salad Center for Scientific Polling (it’s in caps, so you know it’s legit) we have determined that roughly 80% of our readership is obsessed enough with her minor porn celebrity that they are willing to click through from Google to this very blog. This is not completely surprising as we here at Salad Media Inc offer only the finest in Word/Booze/Political/The Wire journalism and should be a daily reading ritual for any young sophisticate. Missing even a single day will leave you hopelessly behind current social trends and open you up to the endless mockery of your Salad-reading and therefore more popular friends.
Still, it’s not entirely clear why so many upstanding citizens of the internet come here looking for Brandy Taylor content when we hardly even mention Brandy Taylor’s name (which is Brandy Taylor or possibly Brandy Taylore or something). The only conclusion our scientists in the lab have reached is that Brandy Taylor fever is sweeping the nation. Since the readership Yesterday’s Salad is undoubtedly an accurate sample of the American electorate, it is clear that any candidate looking to take the White House will do so only on her ample coattails. As far as I know, Joe Biden has thus far failed to woo the Brandy Taylor vote. The irony here is that, by mentioning their names together as often as I have, I have inadvertently aided the Biden 2008 campaign by helping him with this all-important constituency. Perhaps this post is the spark that will ignite the moribund campaign and catapult him to a 5th place finish in Iowa. All you would need then is to borrow some Joementum from your buddy Senator Joe Lieberman to secure that pre Super Tuesday drop out.
So, you’re welcome Senator Biden! You can’t buy this kind of free media! Of course, if you are interested in purchasing such media in the future, my rates are quite reasonable.
Next Time: Why You Should Probably Vote for Him Anyways
Joe Biden is not alone! See who else won’t be president.