2008 Watch: Why Joe Biden Will Not Be President

January 6, 2007

joebiden1.jpgWith my first post here at the Salad, I figured there would be nothing more appropriate to do than to piss all over the dreams of our gracious host. For those of you who don’t know, international man of derring-do Dash Hammerskjold — proprietor of Yesterday’s Salad and all of SaladCorpGlobal — is a an unabashed Biden backer. For reasons that many would call insane (including this author), Cpl. Hammerskjold is of the belief that there is only one man who can save America; one man who can set this country back on track to that shining city on the hill so it can be morning again in America. Luckily, I am here to inform you that Dash’s mad plans have once again been thwarted. Joe Biden will not be President of the United States.

Those of you still reading are probably wondering who the hell Joe Biden is (other than a man who will not be president). The short bio is that he is a long time Democratic senator from Delaware who has wanted to be president his whole life, never knows when to shut up, and is completely in the pocket of corporate special interests. I could probably end this post right here given that you could replace “Delaware” with “Massachusetts” and end up with a pretty good description of John Kerry.

Sure, I suppose I could offer reasoned, careful, and accurate analysis. I could say that, although Biden has announced his candidacy multiple times, nobody seems to have noticed. I could also mention that he is reviled by many Democrats and the polling reflects that. Furthermore, I could even bring up the political coup de grace that the last time he ran for president (1988 for those of you playing Yesterday’s Salad: the Home Edition), he dropped out in disgrace after being accused of plagiarizing a significant portion of his stump speech from a British politician. To be fair, however, that scandal was mostly trumped up by the Dukakis campaign and, given a choice, I to would rather be a known for being a plagiarist than for getting schooled by “Snoopy” Dukakis.

Let’s face it, though. Rational analysis has nothing to do with politics (See: 2004 election). So without further ado, here are the real reasons Joe Biden will not win in 2008 (after the break):

1) Joe Biden is probably a racist

And I only say”probably” because I believe in the presumption of innocence. The evidence, however, isjoebiden2.jpg pretty damning. For starters, he famously remarked to an Indian-American that he loves Indians because “you can’t walk into a 7-11 or Dunkin Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent.” Insensitive? You bet. Anytime a politician has to remark that they love a particular ethnic group, odds are that they have a race problem. Possibly just as bad, though, is the fact that this comment makes no sense. What is his point? Presumably he is playing on the stereotype that Indians work in gas stations and 7-11’s (like our friend BJ), but that’s not really what he’s saying. All he is saying is that you can’t walk into a 7-11 without an accent, not that you can’t work there. Is Joe Biden really suggesting that the only patrons of Dunkin Donuts are Indians and people who are faking an accent? How would he know? Does this mean that any time Joe Biden goes to DnD at 3 am to buy a cheap dozen of munchkins that he slips into a slight Indian accent? And if so, please god, is there video of this? Or does he just make sure he always has an Indian intern around to do it for him? And what did he mean by “slight” anyways?” As you can see, this one statement raised a lot of questions. Whatever his original point was, it’s been lost somewhere in this paragraph. The lesson here is that if you’re going to be a racist (a perfectly viable political strategy), you need to make sense. The only thing worse than a racist is an obtuse racist.

As it turns out, Biden learned this very lesson. Earlier this year, Biden was boasting that his state of Delaware was “a slave state.” That’s the sort of unequivocable message a candidate needs to send if he’s going to capitalize on racism in the electorate. While he’s not saying he is necessarily for slavery, he’s certainly not saying he’s against it either. Maybe he just hasn’t made up his mind. Either way, in this decidedly anti-slavery political climate, that’s good enough for most racists. So what’s the problem? Biden has apparently forgotten that he’s a Democrat and is running for the Democratic nomination. When a third of your primary electorate is probably going to be African American, suggesting that maybe they should still be in chains is not a recipe for success.

2) Joe Biden just looks like a gigantic tool

Seriously. Just look at him. One look at you can tell he’s thinking about how great he is. He has that cocky asshole smile one would expect to see on an oil baron has he’s lighting his cigar with $100 dollar bills. Of course, maybe I’m just biased because for years, Biden has reminded me of the best villain from the second best Batman movie: Max Shreck (as played by Hollywood workhorse Christopher Walken). It’s not the most striking resemblance, but I think it illustrates the point nonetheless:

 

bidenshreck.JPG

In all honesty, though, if Biden were to wear suits like Walken’s on a regular basis, I’d definitely consider renaming this post to “Joe Biden Probably Won’t be President But Stranger Things Have Happened So It Wouldn’t Shock Me Too Much.” May not sound like much, but it has to be on par with going from a “triple sell” to a “don’t buy.”

3) Joe Biden has nothing to do with Brandy Taylor

Based on scientific polling conducted here at the Yesterday’s Salad Center for Scientific Polling (it’s in caps, so you know it’s legit) we have determined that roughly 80% of our readership is obsessed enough with her minor porn celebrity that they are willing to click through from Google to this very blog. This is not completely surprising as we here at Salad Media Inc offer only the finest in Word/Booze/Political/The Wire journalism and should be a daily reading ritual for any young sophisticate. Missing even a single day will leave you hopelessly behind current social trends and open you up to the endless mockery of your Salad-reading and therefore more popular friends.

Still, it’s not entirely clear why so many upstanding citizens of the internet come here looking for Brandy Taylor content when we hardly even mention Brandy Taylor’s name (which is Brandy Taylor or possibly Brandy Taylore or something). The only conclusion our scientists in the lab have reached is that Brandy Taylor fever is sweeping the nation. Since the readership Yesterday’s Salad is undoubtedly an accurate sample of the American electorate, it is clear that any candidate looking to take the White House will do so only on her ample coattails. As far as I know, Joe Biden has thus far failed to woo the Brandy Taylor vote. The irony here is that, by mentioning their names together as often as I have, I have inadvertently aided the Biden 2008 campaign by helping him with this all-important constituency. Perhaps this post is the spark that will ignite the moribund campaign and catapult him to a 5th place finish in Iowa. All you would need then is to borrow some Joementum from your buddy Senator Joe Lieberman to secure that pre Super Tuesday drop out.

So, you’re welcome Senator Biden! You can’t buy this kind of free media! Of course, if you are interested in purchasing such media in the future, my rates are quite reasonable.

Next Time: Why You Should Probably Vote for Him Anyways

Joe Biden is not alone! See who else won’t be president.

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10 Responses to “2008 Watch: Why Joe Biden Will Not Be President”

  1. madmouser Says:

    hahahahahahahahahaha…
    I loved this post. You are a superb writer and humorist. Joe Biden thinks he’s God’s gift to the world and a giant lady’s man, (ugh). I have heard him called “Plugs Biden”, and I like that name for him. God forbid you should accidentally get caught between him and a news camera. Oh my, oh my, that leg cast is really heavy.

  2. dailysalad Says:

    one post and you’re already acclaimed as a superb writer and humorist? i mean, seriously, it’s joe biden…there probably isn’t a single easier target in all of politics (maybe Ted Stevens?). besides, your glacial rate of posting is more appropriate for yesteryear’s salad, than yesterday’s salad.

    anyway, welcome to the salad.

    can’t wait to read me some first lady posts


  3. […] Filed under: Politics, lpmandrake — lpmandrake @ 2:35 pm As outlined previously, Joe Biden will not be president. That hasn’t stopped him, however, from recently announcing his candidacy for what is at least […]


  4. […] pm Responding to a post of mine, my colleague and known towel-thief Dr. Hammerskjold jealously remarked that “there probably isn’t a single easier target in all of politics” than Joe Biden. […]


  5. […] Politics, 2008, Joe Biden, lpmandrake — L.P. Mandrake @ 12:36 am We already know that Joe Biden will not be president, but that sure isn’t stopping him from running. In fact, he is so serious about running that […]

  6. movie buy Says:

    Hey, I like your blog. Hello to everyone here. I’m a little shy about comments but your posts were interesting ..

  7. Antibush Says:

    Bush and the Republicans were not protecting us on 9-11, and we aren’t a lot safer now. We may be more afraid due to george bush, but are we safer? Being fearful does not necessarily make one safer. Fear can cause people to hide and cower. What do you think? Why has bush turned our country from a country of hope and prosperity to a country of belligerence and fear.
    Our country is in debt until forever, we don’t have jobs, and we live in fear. We have invaded a country and been responsible for thousands of deaths.
    We have lost friends and influenced no one. No wonder most of the world thinks we suck. Thanks to what george bush has done to our country during the past three years, we do!

  8. STEW Says:

    “…Joe Biden is now the third best bet for the nomination. I’m hearing a lot of buzz about him from people who pay attention.”
    – Chris Matthews, MSNBC (12/10/07)
    The Biden for President Campaign would like YOU to go to IOWA. This once-in-a-lifetime opportunity would allow you to see a caucus and presidential campaign first-hand in the earliest voting state. We need your help, so please join us as we strive to get Senator Biden elected the next PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.

    Dates: Anytime between December 14, 2007 – January 4th, 2008
    Accommodations: Provided by the campaign. (Contact for more details)

    Please join us for this INCREDIBLE opportunity. If you would like to find out more information, please e-mail our campaign: Becky McAndrews at Becky@joebiden.com or Josh Kagan at Joshua@joebiden.com with the subject line: IOWA. You may also call the campaign at (302) 574-2008!

    Thank you and we hope to see you

  9. Femdom King Says:

    Dominatrix are so amazing , you need to post more about this topic


  10. I need more domme posts like this one , please more!


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