Spank Rock: “Lindsay Lohan”

January 6, 2007

mothers with young children, be warned: this next post might not be appropriate for you and/or your scions. normally we at Yesterday’s Salad do not post smut; we merely comment on it. today is somewhat of an exception. in the interest of explicating what i consider to be major social commentary, i have decided to post the mp3 and lyrics to Spank Rock’s opus “Lindsay Lohan.” those with faint hearts, and those just waking up from comas still believing that Lindsay is the sweet teen from Confessions of a Drama Queen, or 65 year old Altman fanatics who know of miss Lohan only from her turn in A Prairie Home Companion, proceed with caution. our song of the day (not a regular feature) concerns miss lohan’s ignoble descent into degradation and hoochieness.

The smut begins after the jump.

ok, so wordpress has decided not to allow me to post the mp3. damn fears ok copyright infringement. here’s a working link to the track.


Why you showin’ them coochie lips gettin’ up out your car?
Paparazzi hangin’ all around you, bit–
You know you’re a superstar (x4)

Put your panties on
Put your pussy away

Doggy style, missionary,
brown eyed, quite contrary
like it slick, like it hairy,
gourmet sliver, taste may vary,
boys may come, friends may go,
where them b-boys with the snow,
call me wide-eyed, i don’t know,
i’m bonafide, OG ho’

Put your panties on
Put that pussy away (x2) [look like a baby rat]
Put your panties on
Put that pussy away (x2) [look like a baby rat]

take your panties off

show your baby rat (x2) [look like a baby rat]

take your panties off

show your baby rat (x2) [look like a baby rat]

[oh man–i’ll nibble that cheese]

one for the money–2 for the champale,

everybody famous Roosevelt Hotel,

three four flights Sao Paolo, Brazil

cum stains on your dress and you wear so well [uh-huh]

boogie down melrose, la froze same day hell froze

average joe’s get alot of hell no’s

except for the club it never snows–huh?

so sexy–banging and disgusting

tell that girl to put her panties on–she lunchin’

berlin, b-more, hollywood, brooklyn

way she shake it shake it make it hard to stop lookin’

good baby

on the silver screen

behind the dj booth

and in the magazines

while she was on the dance floor finding the truth

gettin’ loose like pussy juice
take your panties off

show your baby rat (x2) [look like a baby rat]

take your panties off

show your baby rat (x2) [look like a baby rat]

take your panties off

show your baby rat (x2) [look like a baby rat]

take your panties off

show your baby rat (x2) [look like a baby rat]

[ oh man, i’ll nibble that cheese]

[that cheese (x4)]

lohan showing them coochie lips
look like a baby rat (x3)
look like a baby rat (x2)
rat (x many)

put them panties on
take that pussy out
take my chicken
put my shit up in your mouth
take me fingers in
and take me fingers out
that’s how i do that shit
let me hear you cough now
i don’t care about sex
no-wait a minute i love it
girl i care about sex
(laughing) that’s the truth (x2)
[fading] i wanna put hershey kisses in your ass and suck it out like a baby roof
look at that baby rat

The outstanding feature of the track is its narratorial ambivalence. The multiple voices are caught somewhere betwixt and between the desire to see Ms. Lohan’s vagina, somewhere between revulsion and sexual instincts. The ambivalence extends to the individual narrators. Consider the last verse. Does our artist want Ms. Lohan to “put her panties on” or “take her pussy out?” These would seem to be contradictory impulses. ” Does he, or does he not, care about sex?

The last point is notable. While the song is overtly sexual, it is devoid of eroticism. At no point is there any sort of desire for, or exotification of Ms. Lohan’s private parts. Our narrator may want to “nibble that cheese,” but that is hardly an expression of true sexual longing. The vaginal stage is the fullest development of sexuality in Freud. None of our narrators, despite their vaginal fixations, appear to have entered that stage. Indeed, the use of euphemisms suggests that they are still of stilted sexual growth.

The sexual nature of the song is a decoy for its larger message. The song’s pretext is the saturation of sexual images of the celebutante class. What was once exciting, has become trite, and we no longer know whether to look on in horror when a celebrity flashes her nether regions, or embrace the images. Indeed, the cult of celebrity appears to be the heart of the song’s message.

The theme of celebrity is most explored in the second verse, the most lyrically developed of the three. In the second verse, our narrator is a voyeur watching the actions of celebrities, “on the silver screen/behind the DJ booth/and in the magazines.” The trope of celebrity cocaine addiction, mentioned in the first verse, is again utilized for proper societal contextualization. Every detail of the celebrity’s life is commented upon: the “cum stains” on the dress that she wears well. Likewise, the celebrity totally disregards the common man who gave her birth (“average joe’s get a lot of hell no’s). Society has become trapped in this voyeur mode: we watch, but without true desire, and connection to celebrity.

Consider also the case of Britney Spears, who, only a few weeks after the song’s release, showed her crotch to an overly saturated public. For Britney, seemingly on comeback path (though not showing bouncebackability), self-exposure was a major mis-step. By trying to imitate the actions of the celebutante class, and possibly join their ranks, she misread the public who no longer had interest in such antics. Most importantly, the action once again distanced her from her most beloved and commercially viable archetype: wholesome girl with a hidden sexuality. It was an unfortunate reminder of her marriage to Kevin Federline.

“Lindsay Lohan” captures a society simultaneously obsessed and revolted by the actions of celebrities. At first, we were content with upskirt photorgraphs, but the stakes have been systematically raised, and as the appeal has waned, and the celebrity has to resort to ever more drastic means to capture the public’s attention. But rather than having the desired effect, they have had the opposite. As celebrities have become demystified, laid literally bare, they have been deexotified. Sexuality has been replaced by a type of immature physical attraction. Instead of being a symbol of intimacy and sexual development, the vagina becomes a simple vulgarity, substantively different from the “beaver” that so engaged Kurt Vonnegut in “Breakfast of Champions.” The blurring of the private and public has only resulted in loss.

2 Responses to “Spank Rock: “Lindsay Lohan””

  1. Annie Says:

    As I recall from my reading of “Breakfast of Champions” Vonnegut was much more enamored of the asshole, at least from the number of times that he described/drew it.

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