Presidential Long Shot Hall of Fame: Alan Keyes

January 8, 2007

Responding to a post of mine, my colleague and known towel-thief Dr. Hammerskjold jealously remarkedalankeyes.jpg that “there probably isn’t a single easier target in all of politics” than Joe Biden. I can assure you, dear reader, that there are definitely lower hanging fruit on the great tree of political humor. So let it never be said that L.P. Mandrake is above beating a dead horse, kicking a man when he is down, or simply lowering his sights to feast on the oldest and sickest gazelle from the herd. Therefore, may I present to you: Alan Keyes, the first inductee into the prestigious Presidential Long Shot Hall of Fame.

Ambassador Keyes is a gifted fist-pounding demagogue (in the Dwight Schrute tradition) who is zealously committed to a tax-free and homosexual-free society. Unlike most politicians, he walks the walk and proved it by disowning his own daughter when it was revealed she was a “selfish hedonist” (damn those selfish non-breeders). Can you imagine John Edwards doing the same to his daughter, Cate, if he found out that she was, say, a billionaire CEO exploiting America’s working poor and shipping manufacturing jobs overseas? I didn’t think so.

Alan Keyes has also demonstrated that never-say-die attitude that is so essential for any presidential long shot. He ran for the US Senate in Maryland in 1988 and won a mere 38% of the vote. But did that get him down? Hell no, he decided to run again in 1992. And for most people, getting subsequently crushed 71%-29%, would be the end of their political careers. But that is why most people are not in this hall of fame. He knew Jesus was on his side (or at least voting for him) and did the only intelligent thing to do in that situation: run for President of the United States. After a lackluster showing in the 1996 Republican primary, Keyes roared back to capture 14% of the vote in the Iowa caucus in 2000 after taking orders from Michael Moore. Hopefully his 2004 suicide race against Barack Obama was a mere prelude to his triumphant return to national politics as the fourth place finisher in the 2008 Iowa caucus.

Here now, a final unedited quote from the man himself:

“There are a lot of folks going around, and they say, ‘I believe everything that Alan believes. He stands for everything that is in my heart. He articulates it more effectively than anybody who is out there. But . . . But he can’t win. But this. But that.’ Our goal in the months ahead is to do what we have already started to do here in Iowa. We’re gonna turn all those ‘buts’ into ‘Keyesters.'”

Ambassador Keyes, we here at Yesterday’s Salad salute you. Shine on you crazy diamond.

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