i say good day to you, forbes.

January 15, 2007

part of my reason for supporting maverick presidential candidate Oliver “Daddy” Warbucks is his unrivaled wealth. unlike his opponents, mr. warbucks can afford to stay above the fray, and keep special interests out of the white house. for this reason, i would also whole-heartedly support michael bloomberg, warren buffet, j.k. rowling, prince philip, lex luthor, and exxonmobil for president. while mr. warbucks is indeed quite wealthy, forbes magazine has decided to take him down a notch and rank him as the second wealthiest fictional character.

number one: santa claus.

forbes credits santa claus with infinite wealth, and daddy warbucks with a paltry 27.2 billion dollars. leaving aside the accuracy of forbes’ accounting models for a minute, there are serious problems with including santa claus in the discussion in the first place.

1) santa claus is a myth and not a fictional character. unlike gozer, an ancient sumerian deity, people in this world believe in santa claus. everyone knows daddy warbucks is fictional. santa claus? not so much. though this is the result of the character’s folkloric origins, it nonetheless problematizes his current status.

2) santa presides over a non-modern economy. santa’s north pole is a utopia. they have no trade relations with the rest of the world, and, as far as we know, no currency. while forbes cites rumors of santa underpaying his elfs, it is more likely that they are completely uncompensated for their work. though the paucity of extant literature makes certainty impossible, recent studies have determined that the north pole is either a feudal system, based around fealty to the claus, or a non-market based system along the lines of the early soviet union.  with no true market to determine accurate pricing and costs, the north pole would prove remarkably inelastic and perpetually on the verge of collapse.

3) Global Warming. forbes, a bastion of conservative thought, has failed to account for the likely toll global warming has had on santa. surely the shrinking of the arctic ice-cap has caused dramatic changes in santa’s business practices and his daily life. at the very least, the north pole’s industrial capacity has shrunk considerably. long-term prospects are bleak.

meanwhile, daddy warbucks defense interests are booming as a result of our ongoing conflicts in iraq and afghanistan.

i trust the editors of forbes to correct their egregious mistake. until then, i say good day to you.

One Response to “i say good day to you, forbes.”

  1. lpmandrake Says:

    You’re just waiting around for Forbes to respond so you can make a new post titled “I said good day!”

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