2008 Watch: Why John McCain Will Not Be President

January 16, 2007

mccain.jpgJohn McCain: professional media darling and accredited maverick. Oh yeah, he’s also a war hero because he was tortured. While I don’t really follow that logic (if he was such a hero, wouldn’t he have strangled his VC captors with his chains and broken free? Or, better yet, not get captured in the first place?), that’s the story that Senator McCain wants you to think about as he marches towards the presidency. But what’s the real scoop? Luckily for you, dear reader, you have intrepid new media journalists (such as myself) to answer that very question.

McCain’s road to presidential front runner has been rocky. Elected to the senate in 1986, McCain replaced the retiring Barry Goldwater. That alone should cast some seriously bad mojo on McCain’s presidential aspirations, but he has kept on trucking regardless. McCain was even caught up in serious campaign finance violations, but has overcome that by cynically making campaign finance reform his legislative focus. He has been a war monger of the highest order, which may hurt McCain when he runs. Worst of all, when McCain ran for president in 2000 he managed to anger just about every Evangelical Christian in America. None of that, however, is going to matter. Here are the real reasons why John McCain will not be president, presented in convenient list format:

1) He is too adorable

johnmccain.jpgEven forgetting his walnut cheeks, John McCain is an adorable old man. He’s just too cute. How are we supposed to take him seriously? I know, he’s “tough” and proves this daily by trying to send as many Americans as possible into harm’s way for a pointless war. Every time he shows up in public, however, he just reinforces the image that he’s a cute old man. It almost feels like one should give him a pat on the head because he can still go to the bathroom on his own, not elect him to be the most powerful man in the world (which brings up the question: does John McCain still have control over his bladder?). The problem for McCain is that people don’t want an adorable president. If they did, we would all be living under the jackbooted heel of President Kucinich’s thousand-year peace reich.

2) He is an awkward hugger

Exhibits A, B, and C:

mccain_bush-hug.jpg mccain_lieberman_hug.jpg mccain_bush_hug1.jpg

He’s evidently not very good at it, so why does he keep trying? I understand that his war injuries limit the motion of his arms, but still. He looks like Frankenstein’s monster. Generally, that doesn’t play well in a presidential campaign. If you don’t believe me, just ask John Kerry.

3) He is “spry”

On The West Wing, the Democrats want to call John McCain Arnold Vinick old, but don’t want to do it directly. Having the campaign go out of its way to attack Vinick’s age is just going to backfire. So what do they do? They use words like “spry” to describe the Republican. Spry is a word that, while technically a compliment, is generally only used to describe old people. It allows the Barack Obama Matt Santos campaign to remind voters that Vinick is old without directly doing so.

Unlike those fictional Democrats, I have no problem telling it like it is. John McCain is old. Old, old, old, old, old, old, oldy old ooooooold. He will be 72 in 2008, which puts him in Bob Dole territory. Who wants to vote for a septuagenarian? To make matters worse, McCain has cancer. While dead people do pretty well in politics, I don’t think dying people do as well. Shouldn’t we at least expect our politicians to be able to serve their entire term? Also, shouldn’t we be worried when an elderly candidate has to rely on note cards on a talk show?

While McCain’s age will certainly prove to be a hindrance to his presidential aspirations, it should provide us with quite a bit of entertainment as we watch the best and the brightest of the media scramble over each other to come up with the best nicknames. In addition to spry, there are plenty of great words that generally apply to old people, but don’t get used enough. Like any patriot, I believe in the doctrine of preemption, so I will offer up my favorite: Cantankerous Cancerous Curmudgeon.

Cantankerous Cancerous Curmudgeon. Really says it all.

John McCain is not alone! See who else won’t be president.

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10 Responses to “2008 Watch: Why John McCain Will Not Be President”

  1. JT Says:

    You have wonderful dental hygiene. However, I wonder if you wake up in the morning and grease your chest with Canola oil. Also be wary of the threat of xanthoma. xo. JT.

  2. dailysalad Says:

    that comment makes no sense. i am befuddled.

  3. JT Says:

    Befuddlement is the least of your worries, sir.

    (1) JMc was imprisoned and likely tortured by the Viet Cong yet you say he is too ‘adorable’!? Remember that old SNL skit ‘the most grizzled?’ JMc would romp all those fools.

    (2) Awkward hugger? At least he’s not ‘side-hugging’ anyone in the above photos. Yep.

    (3) I’d be happy to be called “spry” by my enemies, and inferiors (aka the DNC). Remember in 2000 when Jr. Bush said he’d stake the presidency on a foot-race against Gore? Thats the the kind of chutzpah that accompanies spryness. JMc has it. Barack, despite his boyish charm(s), doesn’t. Hillary? She’s taken it up the poop-shute for too many years. Think on it. Brooks Brothers Republicans be damned. xo. JT.

  4. dailysalad Says:

    jt-

    i also happen to disagree with mr. mandrake on the issue of Mr. McCain’s imprisonment. i certainly believed he served his country well, however i believe you may have missed the point of mr. mandrake’s feature which is to highlight why no candidate will be president, and the cheap shots his/her detractors may sling at them.

    unfortunately, the content of mr. mandrake’s post was not the subject of your earlier comment. instead we were left with puzzling comments about our dental hygiene and canola oil, hence the befuddlement.

    as to your new points…

    i actually don’t see the connection between chutzpah and spryness. it appears that you are being overly literal in your reading of spryness, but let’s indulge this reading and explore its content. in your argument you cite a proposal of a race (the chutzpadic moment) and bush’s presumption of victory (a result of spryness) as proof of a corollary between the two. as no race actually occurred it is hard to know whether or not mr. bush was actually sprier than mr. gore. perhaps mr. bush would have lost the race as a consequence of mr. gore’s spryness. while mr. gore is now quite ponderous, he was the pinnacle of fitness in 2000, and would have likely proven to be a worthy opponent for mr. bush in a footrace. if mr gore had won that race, by your reasoning, modesty and spryness would then be linked, rather than chutzpah and spryness. to summarize, the relationship between spryness and chutzpah would appear to be anecdotal at best. further, it appears problematic to link mental states (chutzpah) with physical qualities. i encourage you to run a regression analysis and prove me wrong.

    does mr. obama lake spryness or chutzpah? it’s not clear from your syntax. i understand why you say mrs. clinton lacks spryness, although i don’t know that you can substantiate much of your claim, especially considering her lesbian proclivities (which, as a good republican, you should be well aware of).

    i thank you very much for your comment and your damning of brooks brothers republicans. it’s always nice to see a commenter be formal in his response.

  5. JT Says:

    Dear DS,

    Thank you for the scintillating repartee.

    I would be remiss to not address this ‘befuddlement’ now.

    Mr lpmandrake made three claims regarding JMc: (1) he’s too adorable; (2) he’s an awkward hugger; and (3) he is “spry”.

    I found these characterizations of JMc a bit perplexing. I was, in fact, befuddled. In response I offered my own befuddling comment regarding the dental hygiene, canola oil, and xanthoma.

    Regarding the later conversation about chutzpah and spryness I believe we may have run across an epistemological clash. It would be prudent of me to now provide a proof demonstrating how I link chutzpah and spryness. However, given that I have other engagements this evening, this exercise will have to be temporarily postponed. Don’t worry, this is just the start of this conversation. I will return to this at a later date (sooner than you think), including a comment on Obama.

    Quickly, on the topic of Mrs. Clinton, I was not suggesting lesbian, or even bisexual, proclivities. I was instead suggesting that she–in the wake of Lewinsky–should have left Mr. Bill. However, she was–not to be demeaning to women–Bill’s bitch; she was taking it up the pooper. If she had *chutzpah* she would not only have left him but she would have slammed his dripping rod all over the media’s face. The Kremlin of the West shines brightest in the face of adversity. xo. JT.

  6. lpmandrake Says:

    Dear Sir (or Madam):

    Thanks for the comment! I should have mentioned, however, that I am a doctor of presidentialology. Perhaps that would have cleared things up a bit and demonstrated that my views on this matter are beyond reproach. Sorry for the misunderstanding!

  7. JT Says:

    Dear lpmandrake,

    In this postmodern world nothing is beyond reproach. A great man once said: sticking feathers up your ass does not make you a chicken. And, in that spirit, your doctorates and other such fripperies are tantamount to a porno queen’s orgasm. Shame on you, sir. Your next move will be frivolous ingemination of afore mentioned standing and such action holds no bearing with me. Somewhere, Judith Butler is toying herself with the non-business end of toilet plunger. Remember: you’ll be happier with lower standards. xo. (Mr.) JT.


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