2008 Watch: Why Barack Obama Will Not Be President

January 22, 2007



This past week, Obama shrewdly declared his intention to declare his candidacy in February. While his likely candidacy has created quite a stir in the media, we here at the Salad are playing it cool. We have seen presidential contenders come and go. Why, it seems like only yesterday that we were making toasts to the inevitable President Muskie. So when we see a new face make a big splash, we know to make toasts to somebody else. More importantly, we know that Barack Obama will not be president. Sure, some people will tell you that he’s too inexperienced, untested, or marxist to win. Don’t buy any of it. Instead, please purchase these reasons (available in the SaladShop) why Barack Obama will not be president:

1) Islamofascist?

obamaarnold.jpgMuch hullabaloo has been made about Obama’s politically unfortunate middle name, Hussein, and the fact that his father was Muslim. But what other secrets lurk in Obama’s personal history? In a **SALAD EXCLUSIVE**, anonymous tipsters have revealed to us that Obama’s biological father is not who he claims. Rather, his true father is none other than Gustav Schwarzenegger, making Obama’s half-brother California governor and known philanderer Arnold Schwarzenegger. Those who have followed Schwarzenegger’s political career are already familiar with Gustav’s history as an actual Nazi. Obama was raised as a Muslim, but his biology is tainted with the genes of National Socialsim. As a result, Barack Obama is, quite literally, an islamofascist.

2) Discrimination

obama_whitesox.jpgObama would be a notable first were he elected to the White House. Boldly trailblazing the way for a perennially downtrodden people, Obama would be the first avowed White Sox fan ever elected to the highest office in the land. But is the country really ready for that? Sure, White Sox fans have held office before, but never on a national scale. Complicating things is the fact that Obama is not descended from a long line of White Sox fans. Rather, the senator adopted them as his favorite team upon moving to Chicago. While anti-White Sox bigots are not likely to make the distinction, some White Sox activist groups have often been leery of Obama. “How could he know,” they say “what it is like to really be a White Sox fan if he did not live through the 1959 World Series collapse? All he’s known are the salad days of Frank Thomas and A.J. Pierzynski.” With attacks from both sides, Obama’s baseball allegiance is sure to be a top issue on the campaign trail.

3) History

bobbyrush.jpgA frequent critique of Obama is that he is politically untested because Alan Keyes was his 2004 opponent. This assertion, however, overlooks the fact that Obama was crushing Jack Ryan in the polls even before the sex scandal broke. Even so, Obama does not have an inspiring electoral track record. In 2000, Obama challenged noted Black Panther and Congressman Bobby Rush for the Democratic nomination (and therefore election) for the IL-01 congressional district. In one of the most poignant displays of the power of incumbency, Obama was easily routed. Even so, that loss has set a dangerous precedent: Barack Obama cannot beat Bobby Rush in a Democratic primary. To the horror of the Obama campaign, in another **SALAD EXCLUSIVE**, we have learned that the Clinton campaign has convinced Congressman Rush to enter the presidential fray. With Rush in place to beat Obama, the path is clear for Clinton to dominate the field.


This is all on top of the basic questions of underexposure. How much do we really know about Obama? How do we know he’s not an anti-gold standard, pro-tariff populist? Or that he’s not an agent of the reptilians? And how do we know that he won’t swear fealty to his Hawaiian monarch or make Islam the state religion? Sure, he’s published two books, made numerous speeches and television appearances, and sponsored several pieces of legislation, but why should we have to look that stuff up? It’s so much easier to throw around questions than to try and answer them. I demand Senator Obama personally answer these questions here. Failure to do so will be taken as an admission of guilt and will be reported to the internet authorities.

Barack Obama is not alone! See who else won’t be president.

31 Responses to “2008 Watch: Why Barack Obama Will Not Be President”

  1. JT Says:

    You, sir, are a wanker. You better follow this up with an expose on H.R. Clinton’s obsession with s & m. or, better yet, her lesbian love fest with Dick Cheney’s kid. these topics aren’t mutually exclusive. xo. the pilgrim.

  2. lpmandrake Says:

    HRC is in line for the chopping block, never fear. There are just so many people out there who won’t be president, though, so she’ll have to wait her turn (which should be late this week/early next week). Stay tuned for shocking revelations regarding her love life and other things that probably aren’t any of my business. As an intrepid new journalist, however, I must cast aside my ethics to provide only the most top notch analysis to you, the reader.

  3. […] Edwards has thrown his hat into the ring, and word is that licensed rising star and swimsuit model Barack Obama is dabbling his feet in the exploratory committee waters. Even perennial punchline Al Gore is […]

  4. JT Says:

    Thank you for the due attention to all those who won’t be president. When might we see Mr. Buchanan get his moment on YS? Or, a personal favorite, Ted “The Motor City Madman” Nugent? Sometimes I wonder if Jude Law ever boned Sadie Frost and Sienna Miller at the same time. A film of that would be better selling than the Colin Farrell sex tape. xo. the pilgrim.

  5. […] 2008, corrections, lpmandrake — L.P. Mandrake @ 7:27 pm This past week, I outlined why Barack Obama will not be president. Obama’s path the White House has cleared up a little, however, as […]

  6. ekky Says:

    Barack Obama will be President of United State!!!!!!!

  7. Youdaize Says:

    Allah for president?

    just a thought.

  8. SickoftheBS Says:

    I’m glad someone has asked the question!
    Barack Obama can not be President!!!!!!!!!
    The only reason is, He’s is still an infant politically specking. And the only reason Edwards is backing Obama is he wants to be VP. HRC is the best person of the job. If Obama gets the nom. I will vote for McCain.

  9. Attilio Ciampini Says:

    Obama cannot be president of USA,,because we don’t understand his language..he is spealking with a potatoe into the mouth

  10. Attilio Ciampini Says:

    Mc Cain will be sure the nex president..

  11. Andy Says:

    Funny to see you write this back in January and how the world has changed since then. McCain is going to need a miracle.

  12. Chance Says:

    Thats right Andy. If McCain doesn’t lose (like the polls all but guarantee he will) then he’ll have a heart attack and Palin will take the Whitehouse. Let’s just hope that we Americans can screw our head on tight enough this time around to do something logical.

    Obama, save our 700$ Billion indebted souls.

  13. xxbitemexx Says:

    McCain for president! Let’s get those illegal immigrants out! And no more lying democrats!

  14. Concerned Citizen Says:

    Obama and McCain are both eligible candidates for president. They both have a lot to offer, however look at our country 20 years ago, compare it to today. If we put money from out of our pockets to help the community rather than keeping it. I guarantee you will see changes. Many troops are still in iraq, people are heartbroken we want them back home protecting something even more important, the heart of americans!

  15. Obama Rocks! Says:

    Barack Obama Rocks! Obama for president! WooHoo!!!

  16. Obama Rocks! Says:

    Sarah Palin is a lemon, John McCain isn’t sane, Barack Obama will cause a tremor!

  17. Obama Rocks! Says:

    Vote for Obama!!!! Obama 4eva

  18. Obama Rocks! Says:

    Obama will rule the world!!!

  19. He will rule the world, with me as his right hand man

  20. If Obama isn’t president, meteorites will fall

  21. Obama is no good Says:

    Great! Now we have a president who can’t decide on anything and constantly changes his mind…this is horible. We might have well simply elected a fruit basket!

  22. unique Says:

    yahhhhh obama is president ahahah haaa now what??

  23. lucy Says:

    Yep the man needs to show the Birth Cert. To us voters.
    We the People believe he is not able to be our President of the USA….WHY? He’s unable to run…
    real simple…and he is infact running from the TRUTH he knows to be a sham and felt we all would just drop to the floor and let him win with out a fight…he lied and needs to tell the truth before people get hurt and the blame is on Obama no one else. What a mess he has tried to pull over most good folks eyes….shame shame….show us the real CERT. or step DOWN…..NOW!

  24. MN Says:

    Well these “Barack Obama will never be president” websites are now the joke sites of the internet….thanks for a good laugh.

  25. Zack Says:

    Googling for this stuff is pretty funny. He’s president.

  26. lol Says:

    Where is your God Now!!!

  27. Sotweed Schnible Says:

    Obama isn’t the President?

    Does that mean the job is vacant because I need a job.

  28. Teressa Enge Says:

    I heard that he that he wanted do a Home and Away appearence! lmao. Not sure how true this is, has anyone else heard it? There’s a bit of me that sort of wishes this is true lol.

  29. Meri Doxie Says:

    Nice Post, better still I’m able to view it on my new iPhone.

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