2008 Watch: Why Barack Obama Will Not Be President
January 22, 2007
This past week, Obama shrewdly declared his intention to declare his candidacy in February. While his likely candidacy has created quite a stir in the media, we here at the Salad are playing it cool. We have seen presidential contenders come and go. Why, it seems like only yesterday that we were making toasts to the inevitable President Muskie. So when we see a new face make a big splash, we know to make toasts to somebody else. More importantly, we know that Barack Obama will not be president. Sure, some people will tell you that he’s too inexperienced, untested, or marxist to win. Don’t buy any of it. Instead, please purchase these reasons (available in the SaladShop) why Barack Obama will not be president:
Much hullabaloo has been made about Obama’s politically unfortunate middle name, Hussein, and the fact that his father was Muslim. But what other secrets lurk in Obama’s personal history? In a **SALAD EXCLUSIVE**, anonymous tipsters have revealed to us that Obama’s biological father is not who he claims. Rather, his true father is none other than Gustav Schwarzenegger, making Obama’s half-brother California governor and known philanderer Arnold Schwarzenegger. Those who have followed Schwarzenegger’s political career are already familiar with Gustav’s history as an actual Nazi. Obama was raised as a Muslim, but his biology is tainted with the genes of National Socialsim. As a result, Barack Obama is, quite literally, an islamofascist.
Obama would be a notable first were he elected to the White House. Boldly trailblazing the way for a perennially downtrodden people, Obama would be the first avowed White Sox fan ever elected to the highest office in the land. But is the country really ready for that? Sure, White Sox fans have held office before, but never on a national scale. Complicating things is the fact that Obama is not descended from a long line of White Sox fans. Rather, the senator adopted them as his favorite team upon moving to Chicago. While anti-White Sox bigots are not likely to make the distinction, some White Sox activist groups have often been leery of Obama. “How could he know,” they say “what it is like to really be a White Sox fan if he did not live through the 1959 World Series collapse? All he’s known are the salad days of Frank Thomas and A.J. Pierzynski.” With attacks from both sides, Obama’s baseball allegiance is sure to be a top issue on the campaign trail.
A frequent critique of Obama is that he is politically untested because Alan Keyes was his 2004 opponent. This assertion, however, overlooks the fact that Obama was crushing Jack Ryan in the polls even before the sex scandal broke. Even so, Obama does not have an inspiring electoral track record. In 2000, Obama challenged noted Black Panther and Congressman Bobby Rush for the Democratic nomination (and therefore election) for the IL-01 congressional district. In one of the most poignant displays of the power of incumbency, Obama was easily routed. Even so, that loss has set a dangerous precedent: Barack Obama cannot beat Bobby Rush in a Democratic primary. To the horror of the Obama campaign, in another **SALAD EXCLUSIVE**, we have learned that the Clinton campaign has convinced Congressman Rush to enter the presidential fray. With Rush in place to beat Obama, the path is clear for Clinton to dominate the field.
This is all on top of the basic questions of underexposure. How much do we really know about Obama? How do we know he’s not an anti-gold standard, pro-tariff populist? Or that he’s not an agent of the reptilians? And how do we know that he won’t swear fealty to his Hawaiian monarch or make Islam the state religion? Sure, he’s published two books, made numerous speeches and television appearances, and sponsored several pieces of legislation, but why should we have to look that stuff up? It’s so much easier to throw around questions than to try and answer them. I demand Senator Obama personally answer these questions here. Failure to do so will be taken as an admission of guilt and will be reported to the internet authorities.
Barack Obama is not alone! See who else won’t be president.