2007 Watch: Why the Chicago Bears will not Win the Championship

January 23, 2007

In an effort to carpetbag on the success of our water-cooler fixture, “2008 Watch….”, and to make up for the defection of resident football columnist designedlateral to the sports pages of Le Monde Diplomatique, I have decided to offer my own prognostications and fore-chronicle the eventual fall of the People’s team, the Chicago Bears. It’s been quite the run in Chicagoland, but, sadly, like Arrested Development, Profit, and So NoTORIous, all good things must come to an end (but, to quote Destroyer, “the bad ones just go on forever”). Although there are myriads, torrents, nay, a plethora of reasons to discount the monsters of the Midway, I will name 4.

1) Chicago’s rail infrastructure is crumbling. Crain’s just put out a devastating report on the state of the CTA, truly providing American cities with a warning about the dangers of un(der)funding routine maintenance. Why is this important? Well, after running a regression analysis, the Saladstats division of SaladCorp ‘R US has determined that the city with the better transit system has won the Superbowl 7 out of the last 10 years (they’ve also determined that Americans like avocado and cherry tomatoes in their salads). Though naysayers may indeed say, “nay! surely the CTA is better than our rinky-dink Indianapolis brethren!” the Crain’s report indicates that the CTA is really better than no-one at this point. Futher, Indianapolis has a shockingly low traffic rate for a city its size. Unlike the Bears, who waste countless hours of practice time stuck in Chicago traffic, or crawling through CTA slow zones, the serene Colts zip away to work where they study game film in the peace of knowing that their economy has not lost tens of millions of dollars in congestion related tardiness. There’s also a far more serious reason why the Chicago infrastructure deterioration effects the Bears. In a ***YS EXCLUSIVE***, we’ve learned that Bears coach Lovie Smith has decided to travel to Miami via boxcar as a team-bonding exercise. Unfortunately, because of the failure of Denny Hastert (he of the most pork filled congress ever) to provide funds for CREATE, the Bears UP train is caught somewhere between Chicago and St. Louis, and they aren’t expected to arrive in Miami until Superbowl double-eve. While the team has plenty of time to study Manning’s tendencies on their PSPs, experts predict that the lack of physical practice will indeed be a bad thing.

2. Rex Grossman, tool of a vast conspiracy. While some may point to Mr. Grossman’s anemic states as a cause of concern, I submit to you that much more sinister elements are at play with regard to Mr. Grossman. Indeed, Rex Grossman appears to be the principle agent in an insidious plot to defeat the Chicago Bears. How vast is this conspirashun, you ask? It’s staggering. Look at the statistical evidence: Mr. Grossman has had 7  games with a QB rating over 100 this season, one close to 100, and two respectable games in the 80s. Otherwise, every game has been a debacle, excepting his adequate playoff performances. But why is Mr. Grossman so inconsistent? I submit to you that Mr. Grossman is a Trojan horse, planted by the Indianapolis Pacers (yes, the Pacers!) to infiltrate the Bears from the inside, and thus assure the Colts victory. To do this, Mr. Grossman has established a pattern of inconsistency; fans will not be surprised when he blows the game at the crucial moment after having appeared to soldier so for the franchise. It’s simply his character, they will say. But why was Mr. Grossman selected? Simply, preexisting loyalty to the state (Indiana). Mr. Grossman is from Bloomington, Indiana where he was 1998’s Indiana Player of the Year. While one can not blame a person for where he is born, and where his parents live, there is more to the story. Mr. Grossman not only continues to live in Bloomington during the off-season, he was an avid Indianapolis Colts fan, his grandfather played for the Baltimore Colts, and his parents are good friends with Archie Manning. He’s also shown himself to be a Bears turncoat, long admiring the Green Bay Packers. He’s also a Pacers fan, and therein lies the rub. The self-destructive Pacers, needing to remove themselves from the horrid limelight that is the Indianapolis media, recruited Mr. Grossman to make sure the Colts win the Superbowl, thus saving the ignobilty of the Pacers’ Eastern Conference mediocrity from exposure. Devious.

3. The powers of Democracy. Since the end of Modernism, the world has been transformed into a vast meritocracy of democratic states. Gone are the princes and nobles that once dotted the globe, replaced by nonsensical gerrymandered congressional districts. Yet there are still fiefdoms scattered across the Earth. Among them is Chicago, the Paris of the Prairies, ruled by the autocratic dictator Richard Daley, II. Whether it be patronage scandals or single-handedlu having airports removed overnight, Daley has shown himself to be the sole ruler of the midwestern mecca. Indianapolis, on the other hand, is a Polis: its power resides in the hands of its citizens, its wealth is their wealth, and socratic irony and dialogues rule the city. History suggests that dictatorships will eventually fall to democracies. It appears that Chicago’s time is imminent.

4. Tank Johnson, lawbreaker extraordinaire. Mr. Johnson has long had his troubles with the law. The most recent incident saw his Gurnee home raided (what respectable Chicagoan lives in Gurnee?) by the Police, and, after they found multiple weapons, he was put on house arrest when not at work. Though a judge has issued a stay for the Superbowl, I submit that Mr. Johnson’s law-breaking craziness peaked too early. The short leash put on Mr. Johnson by the court has essentially nullified his craziness factor. The other team knows that Mr. Johnson is being watched too closely to shoot them or fight them in a bar. This is unlike the case of Ray Lewis, who, though arrested for murder a full year before the superbowl,  was released after a plea-bargain and some snitchin’. The idea that Ray Lewis might have gotten away with murder must have festered in the minds of his opponents.

As the days winnow, and the prognosticators make arguments based on statistics and talent, remember what you’ve read here. Remember the stories behind the lede.

2 Responses to “2007 Watch: Why the Chicago Bears will not Win the Championship”

  1. Garrett Says:

    The Jennifer Jennings Band has released a song called “Rock On Chicago Bears” in tribute to the great 2006/2007 season. You can download it for free off their website at:
    There is also a video slideshow of the players that is synced up with the song and a video of the band performing it live on a Chicago monring TV news show.

  2. […] humble Saladeers have managed to be correct exactly fifty percent of the time, predicting that the Chicago Bears would lose last year’s superbowl and the Colorado Rockies would lose the World Series. Of course, these predictions have to be […]

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