Democratic Endorsement: The Timeshare Presidency

January 23, 2007

timeshare.jpg2008 promises to be a highly contest primary election. For the first time since 1952, neither party has an incumbent president or vice-president running (although we still hold out hope that Trick Shot Cheney will continue his glorious reich). On the Democratic side, early polling suggests that Democrats have an inherent advantage over Republicans. As a result, virtually every Democrat with a pulse (and in the case of John Kerry, those without) are considering a run for the White House. Understandably, the race has attracted some serious political heavyweights. Billary Clinton will most likely be running again, 2004 fan fav John Edwards has thrown his hat into the ring, and word is that licensed rising star and swimsuit model Barack Obama is dabbling his feet in the exploratory committee waters. Even perennial punchline Al Gore is allegedly considering a Nixonian third White House bid.

Needless to say, we here at the Sal don’t approve of any of these candidates. The presidency has grown in power considerably since the founding and we feel that it is a mistake to invest such power in the hands of one person. Sure, we’re like anyone else: we like the idea of a strong-armed dictator in theory. But what happens if you put the wrong guy in office? Not every leader can be as effective as Chester Arthur, who was, seriously, a damn fine president. The risks in electing, say, another Andrew “Indian Killer” Jackson are simply too great. We know a lot about the big four candidates, but how can we know for sure that they won’t veto the all-important Maysville Road bill or destroy the national banking system?

No, dear reader, what America needs is a diffusion of power. May we present to you: the Timeshare Presidency. Since we cannot trust any of the major candidates with supreme executive power, we must turn to the lower-tier hopefuls; the ones delusional enough to think they might have a shot, but nobody has ever heard of. Individually, they will get steamrolled by better-funded, better-known, and just flat out better candidates. Should they combine forces, they could change the face of American politics for at least a few weeks. Furthermore, a divided executive branch always works well. After a lengthy discussion, Yesterday’s Salad (a subsidiary of Saladtronics Ltd.) is endorsing the combined ticket of Wesley Clark, Chris Dodd, Joe Biden, Bill Richardson, Dennis Kucinich, and Tom Vilsack for the Democratic presidential nomination.

Details and bad photoshops after the break.

Each of these candidates is a complete long shot on their own. In most cases, they are polling between 1-5% (which is behind even John Kerry). They can’t possible hope to raise enough money on their own to stay competitive on a national scale(each would need about $10 million by March 2006 to be taken seriously). Together, however, they can not only raise more money, but can run regional operations. Vilsack may not have much national name recognition, but he is well known in his home state of Iowa. As part of the team effort, Vilsack could campaign only in Iowa and other Midwestern states while the other guys stick to their assigned regions:

Vilsack: Iowa, Minnesota Wisconsin
Kucinich: Ohio, Michigan
Dodd: New Hampshire, Connecticut
Biden: Delaware, Massachusetts
Clark: South Carolina, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Missouri
Richardson: Nevada, New Mexico, California, Texas

newkids-small1.jpgThe first four contests in 2008 for Democrats will almost certainly be Iowa, Nevada, New Hampshire, and South Carolina (in that order). The key for any campaign will be to make a good showing in those contests. While most candidates will have to split their time between the states, our tag-team can make sure there’s a candidate in each critical state at all times. With good showings in each of the early states (and maybe even winning a few outright), the crew will be well positioned for a Super Tuesday sweep and the nomination. No one member of the tag team needs to win a majority of delegates, but they just need enough together so that they can control the convention. Once there, they will have to nominate a single member to be on the general election ballot (probably the likable Clark or the inoffensive Vilsack). It will be understood, however, that they are still campaigning together.

So by now you’re probably thinking:

“L.P., not only are you clearly more intelligent and better looking than that rapscallion Dash Hammerskjold, but you’ve convinced us this is a good idea. Surely it is not constitutional, though?”

To that I respond, thank you for the compliment, and yes it is. And even if it’s not constitutional, when was the last time a president had to worry about that silly old rag anyways. Here is the scenario. Wesley Clark is sworn in as president on Monday along with Tom Vilsack as his VP. At 12 AM on Tuesday, Clark resigns, thus making Vilsack the new president. Vilsack will appoint Richardson to be his VP and the cycle continues with each president taking a different day of the week. Here is what a sample week would look like:

  • Monday: President Clark declares war on Barbary pirates, is wounded in heavy fighting off the coast of Tripoli when the corsairs manage to board the presidential frigate, Navy One.
  • Tuesday: President Vilsack triples ethanol subsidies; requires all industrial lubricants and government documents contain at least 45% corn product.
  • Wednesday: President Richardson, as he does every week, brings peace to Darfur.
  • Thursday: President Kucinich declares that Thursdays are now “Sloppy Joe Day” in the White House cafeteria.
  • Friday: President Dodd does something too, but seriously,who cares. “It’s just Chris fucking Dodd,” they’ll say.
  • Saturday: President Biden rescinds President Kucinich’s executive order, spends rest of day having staffers add his face onto all White House portraits.

But what about Sunday, you say? That’s the Lord’s day, you heathen. God is the only president we need on Sundays (which would make for a good campaign slogan to lure the evangelical vote). Also, who would the seventh candidate be? Joe Lieberman? He’s already the nominee of the America for Lieberman party. John Kerry? The lesser JFK is a great guy and all, but seriously, we’re trying to win an election here.

As an extra incentive to get our heroic six candidates to run, our boys in the lab have produced a frighteningly accurate vision of what the 2008 nominating convention would look like:

victory08.jpg

 

Yes, I also think it’s sad that those poor delegates in the front row can’t get over Kerry/Edwards the way the rest of us did by August 2004. Look, even the always-stunning Cate Edwards is up on stage to support the new Democratic ticket. Bravo, Cate! Kudos to you for putting aside your familial loyalties to your father for the sake of the greater good. Supporting these oddly-lit and slightly misshapen candidates is a sign of true conviction.

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