2008 Watch: Why Hillary Clinton Will Not Be President

January 29, 2007

To the surprise of everyone, Senator Hillary Clinton recently declared her intentions to run for president. She is leading in the early national polls (which is worth, at best, absolutely nothing) and has the most extensive fund raising network of any 2008 contender. She intends to raise so much money, in fact, that she is completely forgoing public funds–a feat even George W. Bush’s legendary fund raising team never managed. Still, Clinton is a remarkably flawed candidate. She is stiff, brazenly calculating, and wrong on the issues. Even so, her war chest will keep her in the race for as long as she wants to be. And yet, our finest seers in the SaladCorp Oracles and Lawncare Division have properly read the entrails and seen the birds in flight: Hillary Clinton will not be president. While we have made stunning advances in divination over the years, it is up to me to show the reasons behind Clinton’s foretold demise.

1) The Constitution

During the 1992 campaign, Bill Clinton remarked that he and Hillary were going to be like “co-presidents” and that voting for him was like getting two for the price of one. Using that logic, Hillary has already served two terms and is therefore ineligible to run again under the 22nd amendment. Should she be elected, she cannot serve. While this argument would never hold up in court, chances are there would never be a trial. Across the land, courts have been derelict in their judicial duties, creating an extensive backlog of cases. Why? Because activist judges are spending all their time (and the taxpayer’s dime) breaking up weddings and shooting babies with the guns they took from honest hunters.

2) Financial Deals

Sure, we all know about Whitewater, the Clintons entirely factual Arkansas murder-for-hire business, and their inexplicable livestock windfalls. What people tend to forget, however, is her role in an even more insidious plot. That’s right. First Lady Clinton played a part in the creation and subsequent unveiling of the Sacagawea dollar coin. Whatever you have to say about the Clinton legacy, the former first family cannot escape unleashing that monetary monstrosity on our unsuspecting country.

3) Homosexuality?

Many insinuations have been made that Hillary Clinton is, in fact, a closet lesbian and her marriage with Bill is one of political convenience. Some have even gone so far as to declare that Hillary was raped by her husband, thus resulting in the birth of their daughter Chelsea. Well, we here at the Salad don’t buy it and neither should you. These rumors are all perpetuated by a vast conspiracy of individuals single-mindedly dedicated to one nefarious cause: the election of Hillary Clinton to the presidency. Yes, that’s right, these whispers of lesbianism are nothing more than a calculated effort on the part of the Clintonistas to bolsters her candidacy. Observe: Clinton being accused of being a lesbian does two things. It allows her campaign to cry foul and claim the Republicans are playing dirty, thus rallying support to Hillary. More importantly, however, it allows her to utilize the vast homosexual voting bloc to her advantage. She can run as the stealth gay candidate, and once in office, further the homosexual agenda. And it almost would have worked, too, if not for this bold scintillating expose and this valiant journalist. That’s right, Mrs. Clinton: the Salad is on to you.

Yesterday’s Salad: 1
Hillary Clinton for President Exploratory Committee: 0

Hillary Clinton is not alone! See who else won’t be president.

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