…because it didn’t seem like it was written in English.

Please comment.

Some of you may have noticed a lacuna in my divination vis-a-vis the Colts demise last week: the hip-hop boast. while I railed against the inglorious nickname “naptown,” i failed to mention that the only reason I know about said moniker is last year’s legendary Colts boast, “Superbowl Bound,” performed by that pre-teen hellion Lil’ Ronnie.

Seeing as the Colts did not actually go on to win last year’s Superbowl, folks on the internets (correct Yiddish) turned against Lil’ Ronnieronniesample.jpg, calling him a jinx, a swindler, a benedict arnold, a subaltern, and a Lil’ Subversive. Innocence was lost, and Lil’ Ronnie disappeared into the ether.

Or so it seemed until our hero returned! Armed with a new black Colts Jersey, Lil’ Ronnie quietly dropped a 2007 remix of “Suprebowl Bound” on his label’s myspace page (stream here).

Not to be outdone, some intrepid, yet obscure Chicago rappers decided to release their own Superbowl song. Southsider, Franz Ferdinand fan, and up-coming star of a situation comedy, Kayne West enlisted the help of his friend Common to record his own musical proclamation of Superbowl victory.

kanye and common “southside superbowl” (yousendit link)

Kayne’s jocular pretensions are nothing new to the city of wind. the Superbowl hip-hop boast was invented by the Bears (the Packers having long-ago recorded the country smash, “Wanna Win the Superbowl (But it’s the Lord’s Day)” ), who, in a tremendous act of imperial hubris, recorded the dance-smash “Superbowl Shuffle.” They also followed that up with victory, something that, alas, neither Lil’ Ronnie nor Kanye/Common will be able to do.

Cellular Decay

February 3, 2007

Early one morning, a few weeks ago, I dropped my cell phone in the toilet. It was a pre-pee-or-poop drop, so I dove in. Alas, it was too late.

That baby really slid down there. It was almost as if it knew how worthless it was, being 1) old 2) unattractive (gasp!) 3) a cell phone in the first place. The thing almost disppeared down the hole, and when I finally got it out, it started calling my parents all on its own. I don’t believe this was a coincidence. It was my lady’s toilet I had dropped it in, and I think my cell phone, knowing how worthless I felt it to be, was seeking some sort of tattle-tail’s revenge.

“He’s at a lady’s house early in the morning, parents. Do you have any idea what that might mean? What would your own parents think if you had done that? Sure…times are different…but look what happened to Uncle Al! Oh, and, mom-parent, he didn’t lift the seat – but despite all of what I just said, you’ll like the lady – she yells at him for peeing on the seat. He grumbles at her about how he can’t win, that she always nags him for leaving it up, so he just leaves it down now. Then she says that she means to put it back down when he’s done – and then there’s a little more back and forth, then they argue, and then he tells her how sexy she is, and she, after agreeing, says something similar in turn, and then they’re both in the bathroom, and, well, you don’t want to know what happens then, unless you do-”

That is what my cell phone would have said, if I hadn’t ripped out its battery. A vindictive cell phone. All the more so, I believe, because of what I would have to go through to get a replacement. I feel like it knew this, and purposely enjoyed a last laugh even as it died.

So, because the majority of our lives seem to now revolve, if not around our cell phones exactly, at least around conditions wherein constant and around-the-clock communication is not only possible but imperative to our day-to-day survival (what if my car breaks down in the middle of nowhere, or worse, the edge of nowhere, otherwise known as the abstract state of being that I am slowly falling into as a sit here talking about someone or something that was doing something to someone who was talking about them doing something that they didn’t do but was only talking about doing…or something) – anyway – because of all this, I decided to wait a week to replace my phone.

I also decided to wait a week because in a week I would be eligible for a free one hundred dollar upgrade from Verizon (who, by the way, totally ruined the nickname that Vertical Horizon was planning on using for themselves while touring…before they fell off the face of the earth, because they’re full of fluff) as a result of my plan being up for renewal.

Please follow that link, because:

1. I need to know what they are all looking at…especially if the horizon has been rotated to run up and down.

2.I need to know if that’s Roger Clemens in the back-right of the picture.

Back to the handed task: I waited the week. But how did I survive? Well, I’ll tell you the truth. I used my work phone and a landline. This left me susceptible to incommunicadoness when I wasn’t at work or at home. It was like a vacation in the past, and I liked it. My lady: “Wait, so if you’re not at work or at home…I can’t talk to you?”

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lbj1.jpgLyndon Johnson was one of the great larger-than-life characters from American history. Widely considered one of the greatest senators in history, Uncle Baines was famous for advancing the art of personal manipulation through intimidation, otherwise known as “the treatment.” Unfortunately for Johnson, his main legacy is his escalation of the Vietnam War to catastrophic levels, marring what otherwise could have been one of the greatest presidencies. In another world, however, Johnson never would have had the chance to become president.

In 1960, Johnson sought the Democratic nomination. Avoiding the primaries, Johnson hoped to convince the convention delegates to forsake Kennedy and nominate himself. LBJ, however, misread the strength of the Kennedy campaign, who was nominated on the first ballot, thus removing most convention politicking. Johnson was offered the second spot on the ticket mostly because the pro civil rights Kennedy felt he needed him to help win the South. Other stories suggest that Kennedy offered the spot only as a courtesy and never expected the powerful senator to give up his position and assume the thankless role of VP.

Kennedy and Johnson never got along particularly well and it is likely that Kennedy wanted to replace Johnson on the 1964 ticket, with North Carolina governor Terry Sanford being the preferred option. Had Kennedy done this, LBJ might have been able to mount a run for the nomination in 1968, but it is more likely that he would have retired or returned to the senate. Being four years out of office would put him at a disadvantage to Vice President Sanford, who would likely have enjoyed strong support from the Kennedy clan. A Sanford/Kennedy (Ted) ticket in 1968 would not have been out of the question.

Guess it was good move for LBJ to have the CIA/Cubans/Mafia kill Kennedy in ’63.