2008 Watch: Why John Edwards Will Not Be President

February 8, 2007

johnedwards1.jpgFor some reason, John Edwards is back. He lost in 2004, then lost again in 2004 (and probably would have lost a third time had he been running to hold his senate seat). The last time, to one of the weaker incumbent presidents in history, the first to the guy that also lost to one of the weaker incumbent presidents in history. Not exactly a banner year. His boyish good looks might make him a serious contender, but this author just can’t get over the fact that he lost to John Kerry, the guy who made Democrats yearn for the halcyon days of Adlai Stevenson. And now he wants to take on Senators Clinton and Obama? Yikes. Senator Edwards: denial is not a healthy defense mechanism. To take a page from Joe Biden’s playbook, I’ll also compare the Edwards campaign to a sandwich (so no burritos): a Philly Cheesesteak made with swiss cheese. Neither the campaign nor the sandwich make any sense, but John Kerry has eaten both of them.

Anyways, on with the real reasons for the imminent demise of Edwards’s presidential hopes:

1) Son of a mill-worker?

One of Edwards’s most famous campaign lines is that he was born the son of a poor mill-worker. By extension, Edwards must therefore be able to relate to the working poor despite his own personal wealth. While that message still plays reasonably well, let’s face it: mills are so 2004. Back then, mill fever was sweeping the nation. It didn’t matter if it was wind, water, or animal powered, Americans loved their mills and could not get enough of them. But times change and, in 2008, mill popularity looks to be at an all-time low. This could spell disaster for the Edwards team. They need to craft a new message that will appeal to today’s youth and their hip on-the-go lifestyles. Son of a Jamba Juice employee? Son of an iPod manufacturer? Son of a barista? Whatever they settle on, they need to change his official biography fast before irreparable damage is done.

2) “Yeah, but he’s right on the war now

John Edwards Iraq War Timeline:

2002: For it
2003: For it
2004: For it

LOSES THE ELECTION

2005: Against it

When Edwards admitted he made a mistake he showed commendable vision and courage: the courage to protect his chances of winning in 2008 by jumping off the sinking riverboat casino that is our occupation of Iraq. Still, why would Americans want to elect a leader who has a proven track record of mistake-making? If that’s what we were looking for, we’d just repeal the 22nd amendment. No thanks.

3) He hates women/Catholics

This recent brouhaha over Edwards’s hiring of two liberal bloggers has put his campaign in a tight spot. Some right-wing Catholics have kicked their jesusfreakery into high gear over the fact that these female bloggers have been critical of the Church’s stances on issues, particularly on abortion and birth control. As tends to happen with these things, even Michelle Malkin has been spotted on the premises, calling for blood. While Salon has reported that Edwards has fired the two bloggers, their final fate may yet be decided. For Edwards, however, his future is certain: he won’t come out of this looking good. Keep the bloggers? He hates Catholics. Fire them? He hates women, bloggers, and possibly anyone using computer. Fire one of them, keep the other? Worst of both worlds. Fire them, but rehire them once he’s copied their brain patterns into cybernetic-killbot host bodies of blogging doom? Now that’s just silly. Only Hillary would have the kind of money for something like that.

Bonus Reason:

John Edwards:

“Yes, we’ll have to raise taxes. The only way you can pay for a health care plan that costs anywhere from $90 (billion) to $120 billion is there has to be a revenue source.”

Walter Mondale:

“Let’s tell the truth. Mr. Reagan will raise taxes, and so will I. He won’t tell you. I just did.”

Is he seriously? I’m no science whiz, but… evoking comparisons to the guy that somehow managed to win fewer electoral votes than George McGovern? Maybe not the best plan?

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