From Monkey to Man to Monkey Again

February 13, 2007

A monkey, sitting in his monkey place, saw some ants on the ground. They looked appetizing, so the monkey ate the ants. Then they were gone, and the monkey was the approximation of sad.

Then the monkey noticed that the ants were coming out of a whole in the ground. Then, ibiteyoureyes spelled ‘hole’ the right way. Then the monkey noticed a stick next to the hole. The monkey masturbated. He forgot all about the ants and the stick and the hole.

Sixty-five years went by. A different monkey found himself in the very same situation as the previous monkey, as fate would have it, in the same monkey place. Also as fate would have it (fate always gets what she wants, and, yes fate is a woman) the same stick lay by the hole. The second monkey masturbated.

But monkey-lust did not thwart evolution for a second time. This monkey got to thinking. In doing so, he became a man.

The monkey saw the stick, and he saw the hole. Having just fantasized about what he would like to do to his sister the she-monkey, he was able to imagine the process of using the stick to dig at the hole. He used the stick to dig at the hole. Ants came out with the stick. He ate the ants…and became man. Technology had arrived to save the world from the awful perils of its natural order.

Fast forward a bit. Man invents email. Then, the following occurs:

A GOVERMENT OFFICE – DAY

An old person, OFFICIAL ONE, who should be at home and out of the way of a younger, smarter, more energetic world, peers at his computer screen. ‘Something’ he sees causes him to suddenly cry out and spill his coffee.

OFFICIAL ONE
(to self)
What?! In the name of all fajitas…why does ‘this‘ say ‘that?’

The Official One immediately sends an email to UNDERLING, making sure to copy OFFICIALLY SECOND.

OFFICIAL ONE
(via email)
Underling! Why does ‘this‘ say ‘that?’

The email reaches Underling, and Officially Second, instantaneously. Underling sees nothing wrong with the ‘Something’ on the computer screen. Because there isn’t anything wrong with the ‘Something’ on the computer screen.

UNDERLING
(to self)
What the $!@#& is he talking about?

OFFICIALLY SECOND
(via email, a reply-all)
I have no idea why ‘this’ says ‘that!’ This requires immediate correction!

OFFICIAL ONE
(via email)
I don’t understand how this happened.

UNDERLING
(to self)
What the $!@#& are they talking about? Argh, who cares…

UNDERLING
(cont’d, via email)
Dear Official One,
I apologize for the apparent mix-up between ‘this’ and ‘that.’ I will be sure to fix this right away. However, I am not sure I see the problem. Could you please point it out to me?

OFFICAL ONE
(via email)
‘This’ says ‘that.’

The Underling stares at the Official One’s reply in disbelief.

UNDERLING
(to self)
I can’t believe this.

OFFICIALLY SECOND
(via email)
I just realized that ‘this’ is not longer relavent. We haven’t used it in a long time. It actually used to be ‘that.’ Underling, please correct this immediately.

 

UNDERLING
(to self)
Correct what!?!

 

OFFICIAL ONE
(via email)
I’m setting a meeting. We need to talk about ‘this.’

OFFICIALLY SECOND
(via email)
Good idea.

UNDERLING
(via email)
I’m sorry…I thought we determined that ‘this’ used to be ‘that?’

OFFICIALLY SECOND
(via email)
I am on vacation next week, and then I have to move everything around in my office, so it’s facing the other way. I couldn’t possibly meet about ‘this,’ for seven weeks.

OFFICIAL ONE
(via email)
Me too.

UNDERLING
(to self)
You’re both moving things around in your office?

Several minutes go by without an email. (As a result, the world almost explodes.)

UNDERLING
(resigned, depressed, via email)
I changed ‘this’ to ‘that.’

OFFICIAL ONE
(via email)
Thank you!

OFFICIALLY SECOND
(via email)
I thought I mentioned it before…’this’ is not longer relavent. We haven’t used it in a long time. It actually used to be ‘that.’

UNDERLING
(to self)
Oh, look…a gun…

:END SCENE

It should be noted that there are a lot of benefits to applying technology to a problem (consider what could be accomplished with the gun, among the most influential of technological tools). However, when you misuse a technology in such a way as to:

  1. Create a problem that isn’t there
  2. Try to bludgeon said problem with said technology under the misconception that such efforts will actually make sense of things in the end
  3. Therefore conjure up memories of the monkey in the monkey place

Then, unfortunately, I must inform you that…ibiteyoureyes!

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