Little Miss Bumshine

March 5, 2007

I was walking behind this guy today, who somehow was able to undulate every part of his body that could be undulated. This is how he accomplished what is commonly known as walking. He did not have a disability. This was a purposeful activity, and it was effin weird to watch.

Probably, he was high on something. It was one of the strangest walks I have eva seen – and I went to college with a guy who got around by spreading his arms like wings and pretending he was an airplane.

At first, I wanted to bite this undulating guy’s eyes, ears, nose, heels. Then another passerby noticed the guy, pointed him out, and started laughing. I started laughing too. Then I figured…hey, this undulating mf just made me laugh. I’ll let him live.

The point is that Little Miss Sunshine is a crap movie.

I really don’t care if you like it. It’s boring and kind of ordinary and…it garnered way too much attention, and took in too much money, for such a boring movie. I didn’t even go in expecting much. I didn’t even go in. I just watched. Figured it would be quirky, funny.

For you Little Miss Bumshine lovers out there…there are a few points I’ll give you – and several I won’t.

Start of the movie is mildly promising. Parts of the ending are mildly funny – I managed to chuckle at them in my sleep. Everything in between mostly sucks.

Grandpa snorts heroin. That’s funny. Funny funny premise. I just don’t know how you managed to think that one up. I am biting my eyes laughing. Especially because you did so much with it that I never would have guessed was coming.

Everyone is weird, except for the mom, who, as far as I can tell, is not relevant to anything that goes on in the movie. She could have choked on a piece of fried chicken and died at the beginning, and the only real difference to the film would have been that they could have saved money at the hotel by sleeping Dad with Uncle Underutilized and Clitz from The Girl Next Door (a funnier movie, btw).

Gotta push the van. By the fourth time they showed this happening – I was rolling on the floor, because the floor was made of spikes, and the pain they gave me was more interesting. (What’s that? The van wasn’t really supposed to be funny per se? It was supposed to be quirky and cute? Okay. You can replace the spikes with wooden toothpicks.)

The little girl was cute. Yes. That’s true. I also watched another indie flick called Hard Candy. The teenager in this creepy movie was much creepier than the little girl in this cute movie was cute. And it was a better movie. And the teenage girl should have been the one nominated for an Oscar The Grouch. I guess the population at large just can’t handle Hard Candy because it’s effin weird and creepy, and you’d rather watch Greg Kinnear BE ANNOYING AND PITIFUL FOR TWO HOURS.

Popular tasters, if you’re going to watch this stuff, and call it great, even good…thennnn…ibiteyoureyes!

…cuz then you won’t be able to watch. Get it? Isn’t that funny!

Not as funny as that movie Little Miss Sunshine! So cute too!

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