No hipsters were harmed in the creation of this blog entry.

Wikipedia, in addition to contributing to The Death and Resurrection of Sinbad, gives definitions fo words. Dailysalad wrote every article that appears on wikipedia.

He (wikipedia) defines a hipster (contemporary subculture) as:

a term used to describe those individuals devoted to non-mainstream fashion, independent music and film, and other forms of artistic expression. The term is sometimes used as a blanket description for fans of indie rock music. More generally, trendsetters in fashion are sometimes called hipsters.

That definition is good enough, so we gonna roll with it. It should also be noted, however, that even if you are not familiar with any hipsters, be it in the biblical or comic book sense, it’s okay. You can still dig what I’m about to lay out. Because a hipster, for all intense and porpoises, is really just any old young, silly, arty type.

I should take this opportunity to mention that I am being somewhat closed minded, and that I have actually met a few cool and decent cats who also happened to be hipsters, and whose eyes I did not bite. But I won’t. Take this opportunity. To mention that stuff. Stuff a luff. Stuff a luff fluff. Stuff some fluff in your _____ . (Mad Lib!)Freddy Adu

And now, with no further Freddy Adu

How to Make A Hipster

  1. Start with one exceedingly skinny person. If none are available, use starvation, overexercising, and/or coke addiction, as necessary, to slim that chassis down. It will be particularly helpful if you can get some actual bone shrinkage going on – this will eventually help your hipster fit into his sister’s (hipsta sista!) size zero jeans.
  2. Dress your hipster. A good way to start is to equip them with the aforementioned jeans. The jeans should be very tight, and should accentuate your hipster’s twigs. I mean, legs. For extra points, pull some old, faded jeans out of a bin at a thrift shop, or (better yet!) overpay by several hundred dollars for a brand new, designer, imitation old faded thrift shop jeans. Then add a shirt that is either brightly colored, invokes one of the aforementioned independent bands or films, or which came out of bin at a thrift shop. Or all of these three. The shirt should also fit tighter than a double-D in a coffee mug.
  3. Accessorize! This is how the hipster really differentiates his or her self. Options include, headbands/wristbands, big mf’ing glasses, lil’ mf’ing glasses, trucker hats, costume jewelry, wacky belts!, brightly colored hair, smaller hipsters, tiny dogs in sweaters, duct-tape wallets, alleged facial hair, sweat stains (resultant of all the hard, physical labor), cigarettes, fishnet stockings (for the female and/or maritime hipsters), wacky shoes!, iPods, drunkeness, irresponsibility, prescription drugs, a bicycle, underwear on the head.
  4. Give them one or more (preferably more) artistic outlet(s) to dabble in for the rest of their lives. The trick here is to only allow your hipster enough talent and initiative to produce work that is either: a) good, but mostly irrelevant or b) not as good, but promising enough that your hipster won’t think twice about banding together with other low-to-moderate talents and pretending superiority. If you decide to go with (b) when creating your hipster, be sure to throw in extra cigarettes when you accessorize.

Now, if after completing all of the above, you are dissatisfied with your hipster, you can choose to break it…

How to Break A Hipster

1. Throw him (or her) outside during a strong wind. They will snap in half.

Here I was, about to write a really pleasant post about bicycle riding. I got a new bike in the last couple of days, and it has been wonderful riding it around Chicago. It’s great exercise, and as someone who believes less and less in the importance of cars, I was happy to make it my primary mode of transportation.

Then some asshole stole it.

I owned this bike for a grand total of two days.

Wherever you are, Rollo Tomassi, your days are numbered.