The Top Five Eye Bites of the Day

March 23, 2007

In order of least biteworthy to most…

  1. A magazine cover reminded me that Chloe Sevigny exists. I bite her acting. And no, I have not seen Boys Don’t Cry. And I never will. You know why? Because we do mf’ing cry – when baseballs hit our face.

  2. Once upon a time, on the subway platform, there was a chomely (chubby and homely) looking girl with a voice so loud and obnoxious that ibiteyoureyes actually decided to wait for another train, just to avoid the possibility of hearing it for even one stop’s worth of time. And the volume on his ibiteyourIpod was maxed out. I bite her chomelyness.
  3. My credit card expired, so I cut it up. I did not get another one; I didn’t ask for another one. I paid the bill off in full. Bank of America hit me with a three dollar finance charge after the balance was brought down to zero. I wrote them an email asking what the charge was for and asked that they kindly expire the card that was already expired. They wrote back with a reply that defied all logic – in that it was two paragraphs long and did not even come close to convincing me that they even read my question. I bit their eyes with a new email. They then explained the charge. I contested the charge with yet another email, and quickly lost the contest. I paid the finance charge, called them up, and asked to cancel the account. They asked why I wanted to cancel. I turned my voice into a loaded gun and told them it was none of their business and to close the mf’ing account on the expired card. They closed it. This took six goddamn days. I bite capitalism.
  4. There are some days when my cat is really sweet and cute. Most of the time, though, he never shuts the f*ck up. If I wanted to be bothered by a needy and vociferous pet, I would have gotten a dog. I bite his little paws. And then I feel bad 😦
  5. This week was especially full of reminders that, at the end of the day in America, independent, free spirited, and/or non-conformist men and women of intelligence and integrity are:
    • losing the fight for true independence (another post, discussing what this means, to eventually follow),
    • will more often see their spirit – or their common, everyday bravery – feared, tarnished, and bullied around…rather than admired, respected or emulated,
    • remain poor and unhappy until they either give in, crack up, or sneak by

In response to number five…go ahead and keep sending your silly little reminders, bureaucrats and systemites. Just make sure to don your protective eyewear after you do. You know why? You know why. Because…


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