I Bite Your Celebrity

March 29, 2007

It’s not every day that the IMDb Resume of the Day features a person that you’ve actually met (unless you yourself are a celebrity, or rich, or of the creepy-stalker-ihavenolife type).

But today is not every day. Today is (today!) and ibiteyoureyes just happens to have met little miss ilooksexyinmy IMDbphotobecausemynoseisasfarawayfromyouas(Kim)possible.

Look. (See?). I’m not out to get this particular celebrity. I just think that celebrity itself is funny. And I wanted to bite it, just once, while I have the opportunity. And this particular person just happens to be rather biteable…

Here’s the part of the entry where I lose my readers if I don’t explain where this is coming from.

When I was a younger, drunker, smokier ibiteyoureyes…I went to class in between visits to the local bar. Thats where I met (sigh, nostalgia, pause) her
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What do you do when you’re a former “It” boy, you got fired from your last television show, your new one is failing, and you seem to have no concept of being funny? If you’re Aaron Sorkin you decide to make a musical out of the Flaming Lip’s album Yoshimi Battles Pink Robots! I guess I should be excited…? This news probably means that Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip (or, in French, Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip) probably isn’t going to get picked up for a second season (or, in English, “series”). Despite the many failings of Studio 60 (see, for instance, here, here, and here) we here at Yesterday’s Salad are noted admirers of Mr. Sorkin’s earlier work; some of the Saladeers are even members in the Yahoo! Group “West Wing Enthusiasts.” I’d like to see the show stay on a little longer to see if it can convert its many strengths into a good show.

On the other hand…my first reaction to hearing that Aaron Sorkin was going to make a musical out of Yoshimi was that Sorkin, full of hubris, would probably be writing all new music for the show. He’s probably also planning on turning the Pink Robots into allegories for the right to privacy.

Is this the right career move for Mr. Sorkin? I’m not sure. Here’s a list of a few projects I think Sorkin should consider.

1) Staffwriter for 30 Rock. The NBC Sketch shows combine!

2) Creator of the new TV show “Nations.”

3) Journalist for Rolling Stone magazine, 1976-1979. Get to meet the Clash, Chrissie Hynde, Sex Pistols, David Byrne. Get tons of free records.

4) Archivist for the His Majesty, The King of Belgium.

5) Saladeer. Because everyone deserves the chance to address their critics head-on.

Also, a special bonus list: 5 things that absolutely should not be turned into musicals by Aaron Sorkin.

1) David Lynch’s Lost Highway. Because only Olga Neuwirth may turn it into an opera.

2) Iron Chef America. It’s hard to resist the temptation sometimes.

3) Franco Moretti’s Atlas of the European Novel. I’m only mentioning this because I forgot to include it on my list of my most favoritest criticism. Really phenomenal.

4) The Book of Jonah.

5) Yesterday’s Salad. Serious drama only.

Ibiteyoureyes, in deference to the sex goddess Lucinda Williams, decided to go on Amazon (.com) today to buy the Compact Disc of the album West.

Unbeknownst to me, but beknownst to my computer, I had recently almost bought another album, Elvis Costello’s North. It is worth pointing out, at this point, and next to the circle, and above that triangle – a woman’s…you know…can be like the Bermuda Triangle (and that can sometimes be a good thing) that if I had a gun pointed at my eyes, and the gun-toter said that he would not pull the trigger if I slept with a man, that it would take me a fair amount of time to decide which man to do it with, Elvis Costello, Springsteen, or Paul Newman circa 1969 (Redford doesn’t look too bad either). Maybe D.H. Lawrence, circa 1912, could be included as well, except I think he might like it too much, and creep me out. I might choose the gun in that case. This whole point has gone on too far. Ibiteonlytheboobs.

The real point is that I had been meaning to buy that Elvis album (or so my computer claimed), so I went ahead and purchased it along with West. Three hours then went by before I realized that I had just ordered two Compact Discs titled North, and West.

So, somebody buy me this album.

And, this album.

And this movie. (Don’t really! I already have it!)

And, most importantly – THIS. (Do their uniforms say “BIMBO?”)