I Bite Your Celebrity

March 29, 2007

It’s not every day that the IMDb Resume of the Day features a person that you’ve actually met (unless you yourself are a celebrity, or rich, or of the creepy-stalker-ihavenolife type).

But today is not every day. Today is (today!) and ibiteyoureyes just happens to have met little miss ilooksexyinmy IMDbphotobecausemynoseisasfarawayfromyouas(Kim)possible.

Look. (See?). I’m not out to get this particular celebrity. I just think that celebrity itself is funny. And I wanted to bite it, just once, while I have the opportunity. And this particular person just happens to be rather biteable…

Here’s the part of the entry where I lose my readers if I don’t explain where this is coming from.

When I was a younger, drunker, smokier ibiteyoureyes…I went to class in between visits to the local bar. Thats where I met (sigh, nostalgia, pause) her

She was sitting a table, in front of a maroon wall, with her back arched, her left arm slightly bent at the elbow and her right arm laid out straight. The fingers of her right hand playing (sexily) atop the table. Her nose faced away from me. Then, all of a sudden –

Except she didn’t look like that at all. She came up to me, while I was drinking alone at the bar, with glassy eyes and wearing enough makeup to fill an entire Sephora warehouse, and asked for a cigarette. This happened during those twilight years when smoking was allowed in bars. You know, before we all turned into pansies.

Cough. Cough. Oh, my pansyness hurts. Let’s not smoke in bars. (Oh! Cough-cough! I can’t get laid). Cigarette smoking is dangerous to my health. You may get drunk and drop your cigarette and burn my toes because I’m wearing open-toed shoes because I like my cat to be able to lick my toes whenever it feels like it and-

Anyway…

The point is that this celebrity, the one whose career trajectory continues to pale in comparison to her former co-star, Mista LeBouf ( that’s one mashed-potato of a name!)…came up to me, in a bar, when she was underagedly plastered and:

IMDb Resume of the Day Girl
Hi.

 

Ibiteyoureyes
(drunky and smokey)
Hey.

 

IMDb Resume of the Day Girl
Do you have a cigarette?

 

Ibiteyoureyes
Sure.

He (reaches into leather jacket – so cool!) hands her a cigarette.

IMDb Resume of the Day Girl
Thanks. Can you light it for me?

 

Ibiteyoureyes
Sure.

He lights her (his!) cigarette.

IMDb Resume of the Day Girl
Thanks. What’s your name?

 

Ibiteyoureyes
Ibiteyoureyes.

 

IMDb Resume of the Day Girl
That’s a funny name!

Ibiteyoureyes
My parents were zombie optometrists.

IMDb Resume of the Day Girl
Thanks for the cigarette. What are you drinking?

 

Ibiteyoureyes
Jack.
<– Must be 21 to follow link!

 

IMDb Resume of the Day Girl
Eww.

 

Ibiteyoureyes
What are you drinking?

 

IMDb Resume of the Day Girl
(Insert name of bitch drink here.)

 

Ibiteyoureyes
Well it was nice to meet you…
(I’m pretending like I don’t know your name)

 

IMDb Resume of the Day Girl
Celebrity.

Ibiteyoureyes
Nice to meet you celebrity.

They talk for a few minutes. Eventually, she leaves.

TWO HOURS LATER
TWO HOURS LATER
TWO HOURS LATER

IMDb Resume of the Day Girl
Hi.

Ibiteyoureyes
How’s it going?

IMDb Resume of the Day Girl
Do you have a cigarette?

He laughs.

IMDb Resume of the Day Girl
(smiles)
Do you have one?

Ibiteyoureyes
Are you serious?

IMDb Resume of the Day Girl
(still smiling, a panel of make-up cakes off)
Yes. Can I have one? My name is Celebrity.

Ibiteyoureyes
You don’t remember me?

IMDb Resume of the Day Girl
Are you an actor too?

Ibiteyoureyes
No.

He turns back to Jack.

This story is 94% true.

LeBouf4Life.

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3 Responses to “I Bite Your Celebrity”

  1. dailysalad Says:

    I think everyone at Columbia has their strange CCR tales. That’s what happens when your university’s celebrities are the sidekick from Boy Meets World and a star of the Disney channel. Things would have been better had Tom Cruise not abducted Katie Holmes and Rogue hadn’t dropped out of school after one year of John Jay food. At least we had the star of Brick.

  2. mina Says:

    A few summers ago, when I was living on 115th, I saw CCR in Morton Williams, looking at the nutrition information of soy products. Really big teeth, I thought. But skinnier than Julia Stiles.

  3. Isaac Says:

    Holy sh*t… Did she just post about living on the upper west side while linking to a blog about the Elm City that QUOTES M*$#%$ER F*$#@%ING BNL????

    ‘scuse my language, but I am smitten.


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