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April 4, 2007

Despite its many claims to cosmopolitan grandeur (including, but not limited to Barack Obama, Oprah, Millennium Park, and Chicago style hot-dogs), Chicago can sometimes seem like a small provincial town. The recent sale of the Tribune Company to real-estate tycoon (real-estateur?) Sam Zell occupied the lede of every single section of the Tribune. He was on the front page, the business page, the sports section (where he will stay for some time given the upcoming sale of the Cubs to Yesterday’s Salad’s own ibiteyoureyes. Ibiteyourfranchise!), the metro section, the Week in Review–even the Tribune’s Science section got in on the act, proclaiming Zell the planet’s only short-term solution to global warming, and the music section chimed in with a piece about Zell’s old rock band, The Tycoons.

Unfortunately, the video is from after Mr. Zell left the band. (BTW, In the Trib’s defense, Zell’s purchase made the front page of the Times, and probably many other solipsistic media outlets bemoaning their declining shares.)

The other story that’s been occupying Chicago has been the El reconstruction projects. Though the scale is bigger, the catastrophes with our métro aérien are essentially the same thing as the stop-light being out on main street. We’ve even talked about it here. Amazingly, the El runs just as slowly as it did all summer long, and not any slower. The real test is going to come next week though, when schools get off vacation.

Alas, tomorrow my extended vacation ends with a return to Cantab.

Last night, my computer crashed. I got it running walking again. Then the stone aged (5+ yrs) computer of shepicksyournose crashed. And then today?

I get an email from Office Max advertising their PC checkup and restoration services. Coinky-dink? I-think-noty-dink.

Office Max(!) – ibiteyoursupplies.

On to business and off to the races…or…both…if you work at or own a race track…or…if you’re a street racer….

How to Rebound. This tip comes courtesy of father-of-ibiteyoureyes, who says: “You rebound with your eyes and your ass. It doesn’t matter if you’re shorter than the other guy, or if he can jump higher. Anticipate the trajectory of the ball as soon as it leaves the shooter’s hand, throw your ass into anyone who’s in the way of you getting the ball. If he somehow gets in front of you, make sure the ref’s not looking, and hold onto his shorts when he tries to jump.”

How to Work Effectively. If you is stupid – don’t try to work effectively. You have your place in this world, and so do a crop of other people – the caretakers. Attach your slow self to the nearest caretaker and stay out of my way. If you is smart, shut the f$ck up and get to work. Stop complaining, stop rationalizing, and have fun only when that fun stays out of my way. You may enlist the help of the stupids to accomplish your tasks, however, be warned that they’ve been told that they’re your equal and that they actually believe it.

How to Be Good. This one’s for the Iranians and the English to read together, while holding hands. Yes, Iran, the book was written by an English author. This is how my joke plays its favorite. Ibiteyoureasterpresent.

How to Pick Yo Nose. Don’t. Your weirdo girlfriend will do it.

How to Keep Your Virginity Forever. Follow this kid’s lead.

How to Make A Damn Good Film (in Norway!). Follow this guy’s lead, and hope that your source material is just as good. (For more info: http://www.nytimes.com/2007/03/28/movies/28dire.html)

How to Fall In Love. This tip comes courtesy of my high school History teacher. “Don’t fall in love kids. You fall in love, you fall into a pile of shit. If you grow in love – then you’ll be okay.” At this point high school ibiteyoureyes raised his hand and asked why, if shit was fertilizer, couldn’t one fall in love first and then…grow in it later. “Don’t be a smartass.”

How to Climb Stairs While Bashing Everyone. Observe.