The United States Postal Service (USPS), in an effort to market their new Star Wars stamps, decided to turn their web site into a Star Wars Fanclub. Want a stamp? First, choose your allegiance: Rebel Alliance, or Galactic Empire.

The (donut) whole Star Wars stamp idea is stupid. Why?

Because Star Wars fans are the last people on Earth (or Tatooine, or Endor, or Asacol) who would use snail mail (and stamps.) These are people who spent their childhood watching Star Wars, their adolescence watching Star Wars and playing with computers, and their adult lives using their computers to talk about, play, and obsess over Star Wars. They blog, message, and email. They don’t snail mail! Or play with a shovel and pail! Go directly to jail. Monopoly fo Life.

(Not really. LeBouf for life!) <– Mashed potato name! Tastes like chicken!

Imagine a Star Wars letter:

Dear Other Geek,

I wish Darth Vader were real. Because if he were real, then The Force would be real too, and that means I could be a Jedi. I just know that I have mad midi-chlorine-ians. If I were a Jedi, I could get laid. But wait. That might send me over to THE DARK SIDE (so ominous!). Like it happened with Anakin/Vader. Anavader. Anal Invader! But at least I’d be able to score hot chicks like Carrie Fisher and Natalie Portman naked. When are we getting together to play Masters of Teras Kasi?

(I will never experience sexual) Love,

United States Postal Service of The Galaxy Far, Fart Away…Ibiteyogeekery.

On the other hand and under the same foot…

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Before I start, a warning: this piece, while it may be short, will probably ramble quite a bit (alas, it will not be a rambler: one who walks through the countryside on a specified route; nor A rose which straggles or climbs freely). Such are the dangers of passover time. Speaking of the dangers of Passover time, we’ve seen a noticeable drop in traffic these last few days. I assure you, dear reader, that Yesterday’s Salad is most certainly KP (with the noticeable exception of ibiteyoureyes who could just as easily be known as ibiteyourswine). And just in case it is our Christian brethren who have departed our internet abode, avail ye, and have ye a Maundy Thursday!

I’m sure you’ve noticed my archaic use of “ye” today. While it’s archaic, the word still has a purpose. Once upon a time, “ye’ was the standard English nominative second person plural, and “thou” was the standard nominative singular. The two have mostly been conflated into the word “you,” though some dialects of English continue to make a distinction: y’all is the most common, although there’s also yous, yousuns, and Johnny Cash once sang, “Come all you young fellers.” Wikipedia has an extensive article.

I’m also going to admit that I don’t fully understand the English subjunctive. While I understand it in the context of “If I were..,” the nuances of the subjunctive are not self-evident. The truth is, most of the purposes of the subjunctive have been replaced by modal verbs. I guess such is the beauty of being a native speaker that I don’t have to think about the fact that “God save the Queen,” or “God forbid,” is subjunctive.

Verily, this wasn’t as incoherent as I had feared. If only I’d found a way to incorporate Brandy Taylor and Supreme Commander, perhaps our traffic problem would reverse.