About thirty five pages into Al Gore’s The Assault on Reason, which ibiteyoureyes is enjoying so far, the former Veep offers up the following metaphor for illustrating the dangero-hypnotic powers of television:

When I was a boy growing up on our family farm in the summers, I learned how to hypnotize chickens. You hold the chicken down and then circle your finger around its head, making sure that its eyes trace your hand movement. After a sufficient number of circles, the chicken will become entranced and completely immobile. There’s a lot you can do with a hypnotized chicken. You can use it as a paperweight, or you can use it as a doorstop, and either way, the chicken will sit there motionless, staring blankly. (What you can’t do is use it as a football. Something about being thrown through the air seemed to wake that chicken right up.)

I tried this on my girlfriend’s cat, but it didn’t work. Maybe because she only has one eye (I did not bite it). Too bad becuase she’s fat and shaped like a football and if it worked I could have called up Gore.

“Not glued to the TV, Al! I’m hypnotizing any animal I can get my hands on, in search of that one species that does work as a football.”

Jesus has finally made his return, and he’s a hammerhead shark. That fish trick should come in extra handy this time around.

Also, in the name of accuracy, I should mention that I incorrectly called this product a Rear View Baby Mirror. No thanks to our readers for pointing me in the direction of the real thing.

Jesus the Shark.

Ibiteyoureyes was commuting home from work yesterday, when to his shock he saw an idiot in the subway.

What was so idiotic about this fellow commuter?

  1. He had his baby strapped to his back. Backs is fo’ liftin, fo’ breakin’ and fo’ runnin out the clock when you have a lead late in the game. Backs are not fo’ carryin’ yo’ baby.Exception: short-term back carries (such as the piggyback) that occure solely to amuse your child. You know, for making the child happy. Instead of treating it like an Eastpak.
  2. In order to keep a closer, more constant eye on baby, Subway Idiot had a small rear view mirror hooked up to his glasses. I kid you the f*ck not.

Assorifice, if you are that worried about your kid, put him in a stroller. Or don’t take him on the subway. Or don’t raise him in New York.

Ibiteyoureyes. Then I strip you naked, butter your front, and send you sliding down a long subway ramp…so yo baby can surf on YOUR BACK to the next train. All the while checking his rear view mirror for signs of danger.

And danger there will be. Angry ibiteyoureyeseses are closer than they appear.

From Over Funkytown

May 22, 2007

*plans his return*

Recently, word hit Saladglobalmedia HQ that Taradise‘s own Tara Reid had starred in a wonderful example of high-cinema called Incubus.  Upon hearing of the movie’s existence, I assumed that the film was a remake of the 1965 William Shatner vehicle, got very excited, and made at least thirty collect calls to video stores around the country to reserve a copy. Of course, as soon as I realized that Incubus was simply a Kevin Williamson-derivative horror movie, I abandoned my efforts to acquire a copy. [If you are the proud owner of a video store, and one “H. St. J. Thackeray” reserved a copy of Incubus, please consider this a nons-request, and release the film to the general public.] The Shatner Incubus has the distinction of being the only American movie ever made in Esperanto. The films creators had originally wanted to film the movie in Joyce’s Finnegan’s Wake hybrid, however they were unable to draw any syntax from Joyce’s creation and decided that Esperanto was probably a better bet for conveying feelings of supra-nationality (more info).  Today the movie is probably most remarkable for its excellent cinematography by 3-time Academy Award winner Conrad Hall. Of course, Esperantists hate the movie, finding the language shoddy, and Shatner’s French accent substandard. Mia Dio!

In honour of the fact that Esperantists in the 1960’s are the greatest examples of directors disconnecting language conventions and locations, I’ve decided to go through a number of our regular features–Esperanto style!

1) Drink of the day: Booze has always been linked to geography. Historians divide the world into Beer cultures and Wine cultures, and hard liquor is often associated with specific countries: vodka-Russia, Scotch-Scotland, Sambuca-Italy, Tequila-that party you should have left three hours ago. So can a non-national entity have an official cocktail? The internet has informed me that the way to toast in Esperanto is, “Je zia sano!” Where there’s a toast, there’s booze! According to the Esperanto-Wikipedia, “Forta alkoholo kiel rumo, viskiovodko estas ofte uzata por la alkohola bazo” Given this information, and my faulty (re: complete lack of) knowledge of the language, I can only assume that Esperantists always drink the “hot damn”, a lethal combination of rum, vodka, whiskey, and orange juice. Either that or whatever Brazilian drinks they serve at the New York spot, Esperanto.

2) Word of the day: “Esperate” which is sadly not a verb meaning “to speak Esperanto,” but is instead some type of plant (?) as in, “The Country where Esperate or Clovergrass is most in use at this day is Daphine towards the quarter of Day.” The OED lists ‘esperate’ as an obs. form of “esparcet,” which, coming from the French must refer to the “Eurasian perennial herb having pale pink flowers and curved pods.” Take that French language! Iesperateyoureyes!

3) Who Should Write Superman? Part Esperanto: Who else but L. L. Zamenhof, Esperanto’s Yiddish speaking creator. I really have nothing to say about his literary merits, but I refer you to Tsuguya Sasaki’s “Modern Hebrew, Modern Yiddish and Esperanto: Three Non-Slavic Languages Which Were Born in the Slavic Terrain”. afn shvel 309: 14-18 [In Yiddish] if you’re interested in the creation of the language, and crazy enough to read Esperanto-socio-linguistics in Yiddish.

And in some non-Esperanto TV news (or is it?), check out this ridiculous season summary of Lost. Very funny.

After being too busy to update my Netflix queue, I found myself the recipient of multiple depressing foreign/art movies–a genre I like, but one that usually gets bumped progressively lower down the list in favor of teen sex comedies or now cancelled Fox comedy series. One of the movies that arrived was Michael Haneke’s La Pianiste (The Piano Teacher) based on the book Die Klavierspielerin by (not so wonderful, wonderful) nobel laureate Elfriede Jelinek. Considering the tendency toward the extreme betrayed by its creators (see: cache; don’t read: Women as Lovers), the movie is excellently understated. But one of the film’s most interesting elements is its language. Though the book is in German, and the movie takes place in Vienna, the movie’s spoken language is French. Of course, we do this all the time in American movies; for Hollywood, English is practically the official language of France. Still, considering that both Haneke and Jelinek are German speakers, the movie’s language is something to consider, and its use of German, usually confined to classical music and signs, is wonderful and always something to note.

Because of the language, the movie develops an outsider’s perspective of the city, which greatly aids The Piano Teacher. There’s something uniquely magical about the way locations are portrayed when filmed by foreigners. The location becomes more of an imagined idea of place than an actual place. Tokyo is probably not used as a trope for loneliness in Japanese cinema the way it is in American movies (although, considering Mr. Murakami’s novels, I’m sure Japanese directors also use this idea). And I imagine that even Paris isn’t always the site of romance in French movies, though it’s hard to think of an American movie where Paris doesn’t represent or evoke that ideal.

What I really want to see are more movies in foreign languages filmed in America. I want to see French movies that take place in New York, and Lars Von Trier movies that take place in Chicago. I think Wong Kar Wai would make an excellent movie in Little Rock. It’s time for America to be imagined as we’ve imagined others. If nothing else, we’ll get to see a different type of visual style used on familiar locales.