Isaac

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

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I’ll admit I’m a little late to this whole Harry Potter spoiler thing (possible spoiler alert: this link is funny but may contain a big-time spoiler for the next Harry Potter book. Not that anyone involved with Yesterday’s Salad reads Harry Potter to be spoiled. We only experience Harry Potter qua cultural manifestation and only then by reading it in Latinpottercover.jpg and petitioning for its inclusion in Esperanto)–so late, in fact, that we had to learn about it from the New York Times, which hardly means it’s new any more. The Times correctly points out that with so many contradictory spoilers running around, there could certainly be some correct information making its way over the ether, but how would anyone ever be able to tell? A couple of years ago, in advance of “Matrix Reloaded” there were rumours floating around that the entire Matrix was inside the Merovingian’s head, and that when Trinity is seen holding a gun to his head, the who Matrix is being threatened. In retrospect that’s a much cooler movie than the one that was actually made, but movies aren’t made in retrospect; they’re made on computers.

The best part of this particular “spoiler” is that it assigns agency to the Pope, thus exploiting a reliable trope of the conspiracy theory genre. The papacy is probably responsible for 90 percent of the various conspiracies out there–including Yesterday’s Salad’s own Borat conspiracy. (And people say Fox TV is Godless!) That the Papacy is the object of a conspiracy instead of the conspirators is the real reason that Godfather III fails; no-one buys it.

The word “conspiracy” sadly does not come from Khan’s Piracy, no-matter what the Yale Record says (Elis are the most cleverest people); the word’s origin is far more mundane, meaning breath (spire) together (con). It does, however, have the nice alternate form conspiration which is now rare.

Even though the Vatican is given culpability, I can’t believe the spoiler. There’s just not enough detail for it to be true (although it still could be; but really, if you had hacked into Bloomsbury, wouldn’t you put whole text up to prove you had the book? Then again, if Anne Hathaway can get book 7 to give to a group of bratty kids, maybe it is easily hackable).

So in honour of this fiasco, I recommend kicking back with the Harry Potter special issue of Critical Inquiry and rocking out to some Harry and the Potters. Everything will be alright at Hogwarts, or, isn’t it pretty to think so?