One of the greatest misfortunes in modern life is the de-romanticizing of modern travel. While air travel is easily the most salient example, the decline of railways and steamships should not be overlooked. And sadly, urban rail travel is just as yeoman-like as the rest of the many transport options. With the exception of the occasional dinner party, the modern subway experience is about as stimulating as an episode of the late Studio 60. Is it any wonder that recent studies have shown that New York teenagers who take their dates in cabs are 95% more likely to get laid than their straphanging counterparts?

But never fever, one man, one legend, is determined to restore elegance to the city’s transport. Mayor Michael Bloomberg, America’s future president, has devised an ingenious scheme for increasing public transportation numbers among Upper East Side commuters: armed escorts to express stations. It seems that Mayor B has been testing out a pilot program wherein high-priority riders are picked up in the morning and escorted to the station of their convenience. The muckraking New York Times insinuates that this is somehow a misuse of city funds, or a betrayal of commuter ethics. But really, this is no more than a high-end ‘kiss and ride’ scheme, and one that can inject some much needed love and romance into a morning commute. Bully!

After all, Mayor Bloomberg’s is no stranger than the plan to build a superhighway between Mexico, US, and Candida, thus opening the door for a United North America. Anti-immigration forces are rightly opposed; a superhighway is a terrible drain on the environment. Everyone knows that a mix of passenger and freight railways would be ideal. Besides, my biggest complaint with the plan is the idea to only have a stopover in Kansas City. While I don’t think it to be possible to only have one exit between Mexico and Canada (given the need to eat and refuel), I’m just amazed that Kansas City is the US city of choice. How did Missouri politicians get so powerful? Is this how Bush is paying back Ashcroft for his silence on the wire-tapping controversy? The world demands answers, and we at YS demand an accompanying Atlantic Ocean railroad tunnel between the US and England.