After months abroad and a long ocean steamer voyage home, I find the best way to return to normalcy is to spend another five days waylaid and to do nothing other than watch Fox News. This is especially pertinent during late August, when the news of product recalls have been lost, and the War on Christmas is still only portentous. It’s during this nethertime when Fox News really shines, this space betwixt & between when Fox is able to probe AMERICA. But watching Fox News everyday leads to the surprising conclusion that Americans, left and right, are dissatisfied with their presidential candidates. Mon Dieu! While Dash was far away it seemed as if both the Democrats and Republicans had their best slate of candidates in years, ranging from the “young George Gervin” Barack Obama to the star of central casting Mitt Romney and the king of unintentional comedy Rudi (Can’t Fail) Guiliani. Then again, with yesterday’s salad’s own Joe Biden receiving scant media attention, its unsurprising that American’s are pining for a new hope.

So herewith, I bring you a list of potential candidates that the braintrust has spent at least 2 hours thinking about, a list of candidates who will make America proud.


Pros: Gore is the most beloved presidential runner-up since Adlai Stevenson. He has instant name recognition as the star of summer 2006’s best action movie, and his powerpoint skillz are known to “pay the billz.” He’s become a prolific author, and his ability to tell it like it is is unmatched by anyone not named Bill O’Reilly. Loved by all liberals–especially Hollywood types with lots of money.

Cons: Visual similarity to William H. Taft. Also, the idea that “Gore is the New Nixon” has been tarnished by Bush’s increasingly Nixonian White House.

Pros: As spiritual leader of the 180px-rebbezalmanteitelbaum.jpgWilliamsburg branch of Satmar, Rabbi Zalman has the inside track in the Satmar succession crisis, at least in the eyes of New Yorks fastest growing voting bloc, Hipstas! Rabbi Zalman has shown his commitment to education as head of the Queen’s Yeshiva, once ranked in Roll Call as the nation’s premier educational facility [citation needed]. The 15th most prominent Rabbi according to Newsweek (the popular companion to People’s 50 Most Beautiful People), Zalman is able to mobilize thousands of voters at will. Rabbi Zalman is also incredibly dapper, with a tremendous ability to rock a hat.

Cons: Unclear whether or not rival Chabad’s unpopular presence in Iowa will help or hurt. The circumstances of the Williamsburg bet din’s coronation of Zalman as head of Satmar bring unwelcome comparisons to Bush v. Gore. Also, second language of Yiddish not considered as important as Spanish by most Americans as it would seem that the US has done a better job patrolling the borders to Yiddishland than it has to Mexico. Occasional lapses into bad fashion (note the white socks and black shoes).

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