People who SHOULD run for President
August 28, 2007
After months abroad and a long ocean steamer voyage home, I find the best way to return to normalcy is to spend another five days waylaid and to do nothing other than watch Fox News. This is especially pertinent during late August, when the news of product recalls have been lost, and the War on Christmas is still only portentous. It’s during this nethertime when Fox News really shines, this space betwixt & between when Fox is able to probe AMERICA. But watching Fox News everyday leads to the surprising conclusion that Americans, left and right, are dissatisfied with their presidential candidates. Mon Dieu! While Dash was far away it seemed as if both the Democrats and Republicans had their best slate of candidates in years, ranging from the “young George Gervin” Barack Obama to the star of central casting Mitt Romney and the king of unintentional comedy Rudi (Can’t Fail) Guiliani. Then again, with yesterday’s salad’s own Joe Biden receiving scant media attention, its unsurprising that American’s are pining for a new hope.
So herewith, I bring you a list of potential candidates that the braintrust has spent at least 2 hours thinking about, a list of candidates who will make America proud.
THE I SHOULD ALREADY BE IN THE RACE CANDIDATE: AL GORE
Pros: Gore is the most beloved presidential runner-up since Adlai Stevenson. He has instant name recognition as the star of summer 2006’s best action movie, and his powerpoint skillz are known to “pay the billz.” He’s become a prolific author, and his ability to tell it like it is is unmatched by anyone not named Bill O’Reilly. Loved by all liberals–especially Hollywood types with lots of money.
Cons: Visual similarity to William H. Taft. Also, the idea that “Gore is the New Nixon” has been tarnished by Bush’s increasingly Nixonian White House.
THE “NEW YORK” CANDIDATE: RABBI ZALMAN LEIB TEITELBAUM
Pros: As spiritual leader of the Williamsburg branch of Satmar, Rabbi Zalman has the inside track in the Satmar succession crisis, at least in the eyes of New Yorks fastest growing voting bloc, Hipstas! Rabbi Zalman has shown his commitment to education as head of the Queen’s Yeshiva, once ranked in Roll Call as the nation’s premier educational facility . The 15th most prominent Rabbi according to Newsweek (the popular companion to People’s 50 Most Beautiful People), Zalman is able to mobilize thousands of voters at will. Rabbi Zalman is also incredibly dapper, with a tremendous ability to rock a hat.
Cons: Unclear whether or not rival Chabad’s unpopular presence in Iowa will help or hurt. The circumstances of the Williamsburg bet din’s coronation of Zalman as head of Satmar bring unwelcome comparisons to Bush v. Gore. Also, second language of Yiddish not considered as important as Spanish by most Americans as it would seem that the US has done a better job patrolling the borders to Yiddishland than it has to Mexico. Occasional lapses into bad fashion (note the white socks and black shoes).
THE TECHNOCRATIC CANDIDATE: MARK CUBAN
Pros: Turned around the once inept Dallas Mavericks franchise, spread HDTV to
millions eight guys, brought creative freedom back to Hollywood, and runs a terrific blog. Cuban has been at the forefront of media technologies, and knows how to spread his message. He is also rumoured to possess a large personal fortune.
Cons: Mavericks’ turnaround based mostly on foreign imports. He also has the terrible “Bubble” on his producer resume.
GROVER CLEAVELAND CANDIDATE: JIMMY CARTER
Pros: This Nobel Laureate has shown his ability to manage an energy crisis with his forward thinking policies and is universally considered the best summit holder in White House history (or, at least he will be after this post hits the net).
Cons: Habitat for Humanity increasingly under fire. Critics maintain that Carter has been using the organization to build a string of vacation homes across the globe. Also, there’s the uproar over his positions on Zionism and allegations of anti-Semitism.
THE LETS MAKE A DEAL CANDIDATE: BOB BARKER
Pros: No-one is closer to the US economy than Barker, who has the magical ability to determine whether or not random numbers are higher or lower than retail prices. More dapper than either Rabbi Zalman or former Japanese Prime Minister Koizumi. Beloved by all ages–especially what strategists call “the unholy alliance” of the elderly and college students.
Cons: Legacy tainted by Drew Carey (see below). Also anti-Dog and Cat.