2007 Watch: Why the Boston Red Sox Will Not Win the World Series
October 24, 2007
This morning, I was contacted by our Saladeer-In-Chief, who requested that I write a post on Why The Boston Red Sox Will Not Win the World Series. Why I agreed to do it (I am a Red Sox fan!) I do not know. Ibitemyowneyes.
But a promise is a promise, and so…
Why The Boston Red Sox Will Not Win the World Series
- Mascot inferiority. The Colorado Rockies are named after…Rocky Mountain Oysters (follow the link to see how to buy this delicacy). A much more interesting mascot than socks. Never mind the liberties those Bostonians take with spelling their team name.
- Misplaced faith. As reported by the New York Times, The Rockies “…Place Their Faith in God, and One Another.” It is rumored that God has slightly more zip on his fastball than Josh Beckett – the primary holder of the Red Sox “faith.” The only glimmer of hope for Red Sox fans, in this regard, is another rumor, started in 1989 by Cleveland Indians veteran pitcher Eddie Harris – that Jesus Christ (part of God’s triple play) may not be able to hit a curve ball.
- The contract between Lucifer and Scott Boras. Multiple reports pouring in from the depths of hell (you all smell like cheese) have confirmed that Boras and his superstar client (Alex Rodriguez – pictured here, with his wife-in-a-swimsuit) have been performing “just about every evil incantation” they can think of, in order to assure a Red Sox World Series loss. The thinking behind this strategy: it worked for the Yankees when they were desperate for a return to grace – why wouldn’t their biggest rivals want to follow suit? Boras and A-Rod (pictured here, with his wife-in-a-swimsuit) would then seek a deal with the Red Sox that would reportedly be worth $20 million a year for seventeen years and all the Coke in the Coke bottle at Fenway.
- The unborn second child of Bill Simmons. This little ‘fetus,’ as Simmons is calling him, is keeping the arguable spiritual leader of Red Sox Nation (WARNING: Do not say something like this in front of the RemDawg!) away from Fenway park during the World Series. With the return of the Rockie’s spiritual leader on hold for the time being, having Simmons in attendance could provide an advantage to the Red Sox. Yesterday’s Salad’s Rocky Mountain correspondent has learned, however, that Jesus may in fact be very close to Coors Field. So the point may be moot as a boot…in a suit.
- A Manny Ramirez Joke.
- The Rockies are not the Yankees. If the Red Sox find themselves in a 3-0 hole – which they very well may given all of the above – they may find it difficult (as nigh impossible as moving a well) to fight back and win the series. Not all teams suffer historic collapses in the face of victory.
To learn Why the Colorado Rockies Will Not Win the World Series, click here.
Best of luck to both teams!