2007 Watch: Why the Colorado Rockies Will Not Win the World Series

October 24, 2007

With the prospect of nuclear war with North Korea temporarily averted, Major League Baseball, Major League Baseball Advanced Media, and the Major League Baseball Players Association have decided not to cancel the World Series as they did to celebrate the release of Hoop Dreams in 1994. And with the arrival of a World Series (as with a Superbowl) comes the need to FUTURECAST the fore, and to predict qui va [Eric] gagner cette evenement mondiale.

So without further delay, here are but four of the reasons why your Colorado Rockies are doomed to lose to the provincial proletariat’s team, the Boston Red Sox.

1) Getting Around Town. As we learned in our discussion of the Superbowl (two links to that post in the same article; a new record!), having a good transit agency is integral to a team’s postseason success. And while the T is nothing to write home about (especially not in the Massachusetts Bay, where mail is delivered by T and thus takes over a fortnight to arrive at its destination), Denver’s light rail is quite paltry. Besides, much of the T’s problems are a result of the overcrowding caused by being the hub of the universe. FasTracks may someday reify the Denver transit scene, but for now Boston’s system is far more extensive–and not 1.5 Billion over budget. Advantage Boston.

2) Religious Identity: Although the Colorado Rockies’ rise to power would seem to be contemporaneous with their adoption of Jesus as the team’s personal lord and saviour, this success is abnormal. In this new American Secular Age the Rockies, like much of evangelical America, are hopelessly behind the time, strictly qui est out. Have not the Rockies’ brain trust heard of Mr. Sam Harris and his “The End of Faith“? If they have, the Rockies defense is probably along the lines of Mr. Stephen Colbert on his eponymous program:

“Harris begins his standard rap about how “we’re all atheists with regard to Poseidon.” Colbert sternly overrides him, insisting that not all gods are created equal and ‘My god can kick your god’s ass.'” [fuller recap of the interview here]

But what makes the Rockies so sure that their God is superior [full disclosure: this post does not reflect the beliefs of all Saladeers. But for the record, Dash supports Sabbateanism, while the Ciceronian worships at the altar of his own oratory], what makes them sure that the Greek Gods do not walk among us today? After all, the Greek God of Walks plays for the Red Sox and his ability to be both Greek God and Jewish is proof of the ironic nature of identity athetically described by Derrida in his “Interpretations at War: Kant, the Jew, the German.” And until the Rockies embrace the multiplicity of identities, they are doomed to failure (or, at least doomed to being considered structuralist).

3) The State of Colorado is a Low Rent Bunch of Carpetbaggers. Coloradans have every right to be proud of many of their state’s accomplishments. Indeed, “Where the Columbines Grow,” is one of our nation’s fifty best state songs. [For the record, the unquestioned top five are: “My Olde Kentucky Home,” “Rocky Mountain High,” (Yes, Virginia, Colorado really does have two state songs), “Georgia on my Mind,” “Oklahoma!” and Virginia whose state song was so good they had to retire it so as not to offend lesser states with lesser songs. Or because it was racist; I forget.] But one thing Coloradans did not do is invent the Cheeseburger, something they readily claim. If there’s one thing Yesterday’s Salad frowns upon its false pretensions. For shame, Colorado, for shame.

4) Comeuppance. No team wins 21 out of 22 games. Law of averages.

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3 Responses to “2007 Watch: Why the Colorado Rockies Will Not Win the World Series”


  1. […] unknown created a sweet baseball article today.Heres a mini excerpt. […]

  2. retro Says:

    Colbert for President! I love the guy and even though he’s wacky and wierd, he’d be better than any of the other candidates.


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