Pro Urbe Seattlo
October 27, 2007
Once, as a young man, I used to study in dim halls, exerting myself in, clad in toga, among the rocks and lilies and redundant light rail systems which as you all know then were the hallmarks of my city. I would go down to the plain, clad in my own virtue, in one hand wielding a naked gladius, in the other, some choice drink, on my brow, the branch from the Minervan tree, and do battle with words and sword, ever for the honor of the city, the city, the city! Dare I turn my pen now to her defence? Dare I fight the rash of journalistic timidity now rife upon YS, brought about by my arch-rival, a man too cowardly to be named, a base and cruel plebian of the worst sort, the Catilinian? I do and in so doing, join with the Rabbi Doctor, a most notable and most honorable comrade, one worthy of the highest honors that may be rightly given to a barbaros, not only in praising the commonly acknowledged Golden Age that was, but also in looking to strive now in this hard age of iron for manly courage and civic grandeur. In short, let us together eat a peach.
While faced with grim exile brought about nefarious crimes far too evil to describe, tidings have reached me of my home. Once, in 1995, my city was the fairest gem in the imperium. In those days, gods masqueraded as mortal men upon the basketball court. It be not right, to name them. More storied than the men of Pindar, more virile than Cato the censor, more cultured than Scipio Africanus, these were hard obdurate men carved out off soft Seattle stone. Yet like us, their memory is as naught, long swept away by the grim Parci, who measure out and spin the cords of life into emptiness. Would that such Gods now walked and saw that great evils that men do to their name! Specifically, I speak of the incident well known to all, in which that madman of a land whose name I dare not utter, because of its unseemly sound, wishes to snatch away all the glory and the praise and manly virtue which has so long embedded itself in the heart of our fair city. For want of what! This man, too greedy and filthy to name, has Greeked away his fortune and his virtue, spending on unholy luxuries and nefarious rites, now wishes to recoup on his investment through the erection of a new stadium. Would that his erection for the unholy would recede! Is he not associated with our laws? Has his reason failed him? Does he not know that the money of our urbs is, by proscription of the optimus maximus, only to be spent upon useless light rail lines? He seeks to hold us hostage with his threats. But, we and they, will not be moved, we are obdurate hard men, the sort who cover ourselves in blood and impregnate our wives once a year. Take your soft, impious, ways from our city. Begone foul scoundrel! Criminal worse than all that have been conjured through all the years, bringing sedition and destruction to the Populum Seattlorum, begone thou half witted son of a Judean prostitute! We want none of your wheelings and dealings in our city, go out and lose your fortune in ways most fitting to your foolish and lowly pride! Yet, even in that it is necessary for our people to expel this strange and unelegant monster from our midst, it is sad day for our people, to see such a once glorious basketball team fall so low such that they must play in such a location.