BREAKING NEWS: Kobe Bryant Traded to Yesterday’s Salad
November 1, 2007
NEW YORK – Multiple sources (all working for ESPN.com) have confirmed that Kobe Bryant has been traded to Yesterday’s Salad in a three-team swap. Bryant waived his no-trade clause, and waved good-bye to Andrew Bynum, late this afternoon, completing a deal that some are calling the most bizarre ever.
Terms of the deal are difficult to determine at this time. All that is clear is that Bryant, who has expressed frustration with the Los Angeles Lakers’ front office and with team owner Jerry Buss, is headed to Yesterday’s Salad and will be in uniform (covered with Thousand Island) as early as tomorrow.
It is rumored that the Lakers will receive Zach Randolph and Eddy Curry from the third team involved in the deal, the New York Knicks, a move that was likely made in order to finally address the gaping hole created in the Los Angeles frontcourt when Shaquille O’Neal was traded to Miami in July of 2004. The Knicks will reportedly receive four thousand day-old salads, two truckloads of silly string, and a spanking, from Yesterday’s Salad.
“We think this is a good deal for everyone,” Knicks coach and President of Operations Isiah Thomas said in a statement released on the Knicks’ Web site. “Kobe can finally dispel all those rumors about him being only a three-championship player. The Lakers will have a lot more ass available to clog the paint. And as far as we’re concerned…well, we’ve been in need of a serious spanking for a long, long time. And silly string is just really fun. Bitch.”
When asked how important the salads were to the deal, Thomas was at first silent. After a moment, he added, “Don’t know what we’ll do with those, now that you mention it. I was going to give them to Eddy and Zach. But I guess that wouldn’t make much sense now.”
An insider at the humor blog, who wishes to remain anonymous, because he is afraid of Jack Nicholson coming after him with a fake penis, stated that talks had been going on for a long time. “We’ve been working to get Kobe on our team for the past several weeks. A day old salad is a little spoiled, sure. But it’s not Kobe Bryant spoiled. Now that we have Kobe, we may have to change our name to reflect just how spoiled we are. Last Year’s Salad. It could work.”
The anonymous insider then seemed to reconsider. “Then again I don’t know. I don’t know how I feel about re-defining an entire franchise in order to please one player. I’ll have to talk to Boras about that.”
Lakers coach Phil Jackson, when asked how he felt about the deal, disappeared into thin air.