You Are Not Legend And You Are Not Awake

November 20, 2007

Two big old Hollywood motion pictures are due to come out in the next several weeks, and I am here to tell ahead of time you that you are most definitely going to want to miss both of them. The two movies are I Am Legend and Awake.

I Am Legend stars Will Smith. He plays the last man on Earth. The Earth was overrun by a vampires, or a virus, or a vampire virus. New York is a post-apocalyptic mess and he has a dog. Here is a trailer and here is the website.

Awake is packed with more talent than Ann-Margret’s bra. It stars Hadyen Christensen and Jessica Alba. He plays a man who remains conscious after being “sedated” for an open heart surgical procedure. Terrence Howard is his friend and his open heart surgeon, and he is going to kill Hayden during the surgery so that he can take his money. Jessica Alba appears throughout the movie and looks cute. Pretty. Cutepretty. The producers of this film decided to use the song from the final episode of Six Feet Under for their trailer. Here is that trailer and here is the website.

A question that revolves (infinitely) around the premise for I Am Legend:

If Will Smith is the last man on Earth…why would I want to watch this movie? Is it a satire? Because if it isn’t, I already know how the movie must end, even if it doesn’t end this way. Will Smith needs to be ripped to a million shreds by vampires in the first minute of the movie. And then the credits should roll. While I would love for this to happen more than you could possible know (I would pay the full price of a ticket to see this movie if it were over in one minute) I am not sure that it will. Will Smith is either not the last man on Earth, or he’s not the last man on Earth because he’s going to miraculously cure everyone of their vampire sickness. Or he is the last man on Earth, and the rest of us don’t care, because the human race is dead because there is no one left for Will Smith to bury his bone in and therefore all is lost. All of these potential cases make your movie a lie.

A question that revolves (infinitely) around Awake:

If Hayden Christensen is awake during his surgery, but is technically asleep, and if the plot of this motion picture attraction takes place predominantly while he is asleep but awake (as the trailer suggests), how can his character contribute to that plot in any way? Does he have telepathic abilities? Is he Matt Parkman? Or is Jessica Alba trading in her Sue Storm for a little Jean Grey? I know for a fact that she can’t be Jean Grey because Famke Janssen is Jean Grey. I suspect that your movie is also a lie.

Also, the Flash websites for both of these movies suck. I could probably figure out how to navigate through them, but I am tired from working all day and I shouldn’t have to turn my mouse into a poking stick or a frenzied magic wand just to get some information.

Youarenotlegend.

Yourarenotawake.

Yourmarketingbitesmyeyes.

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2 Responses to “You Are Not Legend And You Are Not Awake”

  1. Harry David Candela Says:

    Perhaps “I Am Legend” is being kept out of China because the Chinese Communist Party is still ashamed of the corruption that caused their own public health failures during the SARS and Bird Flu epidemics, or maybe a communist official wants a bribe today. Remember, China tried to blame America for their own SARS mistakes. You do not think that it is racism, do you? When considering movies, the copywrite infringement that goes on in China, and the trade imbalance made possible by agreed upon treaties, I do not believe that relitively much money would flow out of China in this case.

  2. Gish Says:

    I miss Six Feet Under.

    and both movies do sound lame.


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