Fixing Heroes Season 3 (With Help From A Gun)

December 1, 2007

NOTE: This is a blog post dedicated to ridiculing Heroes, particularly Season 2 of Heroes. If this sounds despicable to you, don’t read this blog post. If it seems despicable to you and you’re going to read it anyway, please note that there are a few mistakes in the post – something that the author has admitted in the comments section. If you came here looking for information on Season 3 of Heroes, it’s not here, and it never will be. When someone says that they are going to fix something that doesn’t yet exist – with a gun – it’s usually safe to assume that that person is joking in some way, shape, or form.

* * *

For a few episodes, it seemed as if Heroes might rescue itself from the slow stupid suckage that has been its second season. This past week’s episode, however, plus another clause, was probably the single worst of Heroes’s’s’s short history. Probably, this is because it dealt not with a handful of worsening characters with worsening storylines, but two handfuls of worsening characters with worsening storylines.

Moreover, the show creators have not followed the advice that I offered in this post. A-hem:

  1. Ali Larter is not dead. Kill her. I don’t like her. I’m not sure anyone else does either.
  2. Hiro might as well still be stuck in ancient Japan, for all you are doing with him.
  3. Peter Petrelli is back, thank you for that. But instead of kicking ass, he is just turning into a dummy.
  4. Sylar is back to being a baddie, but instead of rediscovering his power, he has discovered how to be Darth Sidius.

In regards to number three on that list, let me just say that Peter is not the only character getting dumber by the episode. Everyone is getting dumber, if not in what they say and do then in what THEY DO NOT DO WITH THEIR SUPERPOWERS!

Case(s of beer) in point:

  1. Dumb Cousin of Micah (I bite his acting) steals Micah’s backpack, because it has his comic books in it, which are apparently worth six hundred dollars. Probably, Micah has the issue wherein Superman’s left butt cheek makes its first appearance. Also in the backpack is the medal that Micah’s father, D.H. Lawrence, received for pulling someone out of a burning building, before getting shot by a sleazeball in a club, because his wife’s alter egos are all whores. Anyway, hoodlums and ruffians punch Dumb Cousin of Micah in the nose and steal the backpack, instead of simply telling him how much the comics might fetch, which is all he wanted to know (the answer is probably six hundred dollars). When Micah finds all this out, he punches his Dumb Cousin in his pre-punched nose (a lonely positive note from the episode).
  2. Micah argues with his mother (still not dead) that if they were real heroes, they would go get that medal. His mother, so as not to risk getting smarter, says that they should leave it to the police. She can toss people across rooms like naughty kittens, but she does not want to interfere in the hoodlum and ruffian vs. the police dynamic. Too bad, because someone might have shot her, and she might have died. This may still happen.
  3. Other Cousin of Micah, the girl with muscle memory iPod abilities, who has a very sweet voice and a sweeter face and who will probably go on to better things (her own show on the CW), plus another clause, decides that Micah is right, and that they should be using their powers for good (retrieving backpacks). Though she could probably get the medal on her own, she decides to bring Micah. This ends up being a good idea, because without him there, she would have no way of turning off the street lights in front of the Hoodlum and Ruffian Haunted House. While she’s in the house, the hoodlums and ruffians return from their union meeting, a comic book betrays her (with irony!) and she’s caught by the hoodlums and ruffians. They throw her in the back of a van!
  4. Micah gets upset when his sweet-faced cousin is thrown in the back of a van by comic book poaching hoodlums and ruffians. But instead of being a hero, and turning that van off (like a street light!) he watches the hoodlums and ruffians drive off in their van with his sweet faced cousin. I believe this decision was made so that Ali Larter can be a hero in next week’s finale. Hopefully, she’ll put on a whipped cream bikini, save everybody, and then die. Have I mentioned that I want her to die? America needs Ali Larter for better things, like maybe a sequel to American Outlaws.

If you’re still reading this, you either really like sarcasm, or you’re an idiot like me, and you’re still watching Heroes.

Well, let it be known that I will be tuning in for next week’s finale, mostly so that I can laugh (with bitterness!) just one more time, and then I will be tuning out, for good. The problems with this show run too deep for me to believe they’ll ever be fixed.

Probably, Creators of Heroes just got lucky with their first season. Someone, somewhere along the line, injected just enough actual potential into the fluff that are their shooting scripts, to dupe a large enough percentage of the TV watching population (230% of the population). But the joke’s on them now. Months and months later, We The Audience are actually starting to maybe begin to stop watching the show. Possibly. Hah!

And so, Creators of Heroes, I leave you with one final piece of free advice for how to fix your show in its third season, because I know there will be one.

Take it out back and shoot it. Ride off into that eclipsing sunset. Throw in the towel and pump it full of lead. Click Click Boom.

And then, just before the credits roll, the sun sets (with an eclipse!) and we see the towel. Maybe it is not thrown in after all…

Bullets are slowly pushed back out of the towel as its towel power (spontaneous cotton regeneration) begins to take effect. The towel cannot die. Unless you rip off its (Achilles!) tag. The world has been changed. Forever. Again.

But wait! If this ability were to spread to all sorts of towels…the world would be in danger! What if The Quicker Picker Upper became The Invincible Quicker Picker Upper! What would happen to the economy if cloth and paper towels couldn’t die! And the planet! We’d be overrun by trees!

Yes. You’re right, Creators of Heroes. We need to do it one more time. One more season. I was wrong. We can’t just sit back and let towels and trees take over the world. Then hippies would gain power. And then everyone would be forced to wear sandals. And then, when it begins to rain hammers, as it inevitably will, plus another clause, we’d all break our toes. Unacceptable.

This is America. We will (steal, exploit and) prevail.

A weeee-uuuu eeee-uuu eeee uuu!

If you find it, please return it to me.

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30 Responses to “Fixing Heroes Season 3 (With Help From A Gun)”


  1. […] 10, 2007 Writer’s Note: See this post for an update on the sad state of […]

  2. Danny Says:

    Why’d you label your analasis as Heroes season 3? This is only the second season.

  3. Isaac Says:

    Yay Ali Larter!

    But seriously, it’s almost as if someone finally at the network finally got turned on to YS (although as Danny points out you’re a good year ahead of television).

  4. ibiteyoureyes Says:

    Isaac,

    I suspect that Ali Larter is alive, well, and ready to shoot Final Destination 28.

    Danny,

    Yesterday’s Salad is tomorrow’s television.

    IBYE

  5. Jen Says:

    See, the real problem with the show now is that anytime someone dies, Claire’s blood brings him back to life. So no matter how many times we rejoice at Nicki/Jessica/split personality3/split personality4’s death, they’ll just keep bringing her back. And was it just me, or did Maya get a makeover between the motel and Mohinder’s apartment?

  6. Jeremy Says:

    Ali has one of the strongest acting abilities of anyone on the show. Niki can’t die, then Micah will be an orphan. I think Niki’s story is very interesting and her story is the closest to real life than anyone else’s…I WANT NIKI BACK!!!!!

  7. TheDai Says:

    I stumbled across this while looking for info on heroes series three, cant beleive someone has gone to all this trouble for a lame arguement, if your veiws were aired instead of the script then i predict there would be about three episodes, good guys beat up syler, adam w/e and then get bored with superpowers and so go and get un-intresting jobs as salesmen and parking lot security.

  8. Jeremy Says:

    WHAT???
    Who do you think acts good??
    Huh???
    Ali Larter is a very good actress and the most people have connected with her!!!
    She better be back and Nathan should die!!!

  9. Jen Says:

    wel i still loved this season of heroes and completely disagree with like..all of that _< (which btw i can’t w8 to see)

    Niki’s acting is really great, as is her story.

    Want to make heroes better?…scrap mohinder – he’s the dull 1, and now flying man has gone it should be better too ^-^

  10. Winston Says:

    As addictive as the first season by far, yet less predictable. By far one of the best programs in its genre. I await the third season with poise and anticipation of a mantis about to strike!
    In my opinion the third season was more compelling and entertaining than the first, the plot was relatively complex and fit together well. I found myself to be doing much more second guessing in the second season than in the first and it is my humble and subjective opinion that this makes for better viewing than the alternative of always being able to guess what was going to happen next with 100% accuracy (as in season one).
    An excellent season, I have faith that the third will be just as – if not even more mind blowing.
    The plot thickens…
    Well done writers.

  11. jay Says:

    Can i just say that Niki could not use her strength to get back the bag because she has the virus and so cant use her abilities and also if Micah used his abilities to stop the van he probably would have been caught too and he and monica would’ve died as Micah wouldn’t have been able to get Niki to help.

  12. ibiteyoureyes Says:

    The first person to respond to this post using a real sentence wins a pie.

  13. ibiteyoureyes Says:

    And I suppose I should concede Jay’s point. You are right, my man. She is without her abilities.

    My desire to say “toss people across rooms like naughty kittens” must have gotten the better of me.

    In any event, the situation ended on a positive note in the final episode.


  14. ok i found a huge mistake on season 1! if the future of season 1 is about sylar killing the cheerleader. then why in the future where hiro travels to after the bomb went off, that sylar then kills clair? didnt he kill her already in order to survive hiros stabb?

  15. Jason Says:

    To mr static in sound the reason why she wasnt dead was because peter had already saved her that one time well at least i think he did my memory sucks so if im wrong don’t be to hard on me.

  16. sylar87 Says:

    umm dude clearley by the way u r ranting on u have no idea what u r on about Nikki sanders can’t throw people around like bad kittens she was infected with the shanti virus she has no powers dumbass I’M NOT GONNA EVEN GO IN2 ANYMNORE DETAIL WITH YOU my suggestion do ur homework b4 making a report OWNED BITCH

  17. sylar87 Says:

    OHH AND Micah can’t turn off the car he has Technopathy doesn’t apply 2 cars and even if he did he’s 10 yrs old against teenage gangsta’s with guns like come on dude if u wanna insult a tv show u gotta know ur facts

  18. sylar87 Says:

    if u really wanna a mystery why is it in season 1 when Bennet and the hattian corner Nathan petrelli when he is only in his pj bottoms can he fly away doesn’t the hatian surpress others powers i mean i know he’s a good guy but bennet wasn’t at the time he gave himself away now that’s a mystery

  19. theciceronian Says:

    In. This. Comment. I. Will. Furnish. All. the. Periods. Which. Sylar87. is. lacking.

  20. heroes4life Says:

    ok first of all micah can’t stop the car coz he can only “speak” to computers ( n that was an old van which is all mechanical) and not to any object like an engine ir the brakes.
    second although i’m with you on the whole nikki must die but i think this is all because she didn’t have a big role in season2 so her popularity decreased, but i say kill her but keep jessica coz thats who we really want to see.
    third, season two was a little below the expected level but still the show is developing and growing. it is relatively new in it’s field and has to experiment. i think season 3 will be the father of all seasons coz now the groundwork is layed out and its time to start the action.

  21. Yourmother Says:

    Ibiteyoureyes, I would be quite keen to receive the pie of which you speak, though, I must admit, if the logic you employ in making your case against Heroes Season 2 is at all similar to the logic you employ in baking pies, I fear I would receive a pie cooked with nothing but salt and baking soda.

    Point number 1 – 4 should more correctly read as follows:

    1. Ali Larter needs to grow a spine, not die. On the other hand, please kill Parkman, who seems to be not only genetically unable to grow a spine, but who seems destined to remain a pathetic, weasly, weak excuse for a human being hell-bent on nothing more exciting than making people fear/respect him. Villain in the making? Or just pathetic, kickable puppy?

    Likewise, What. is. up. with. Maya? Is this seriously like the stupidest power ever invented? I mean, evAr? Please kill Maya immediately. Perhaps she and Parkman could get into a crying duel which ends with Parkman blocking her ability to rein in her powers and they both die with streaky mascara running down their faces.

    2. Hiro might as well still be stuck in ancient Japan, for all you are doing with him.

    3. Peter Petrelli is back, thank you for that. But instead of kicking ass, he is just turning into a dummy. You also seem gung ho about turning Mohinder into the greatest douche who ever lived, Molly into the whiniest brat, and Kensei into the most transparent villain.

    4. Please figure out a way to do something cool with Monica, who was the only thing going for the show in Season 2. She discovered her power. She is getting good at using it. Now let her fucking use it already.

    As for the “cases in point” following your initial complaints, the examples simply escapes all meaningful…uh…meaning. They have nothing to do with anything, and are pathetically weak, especially when there are actually quite good examples of suckage in Season 2, mostly revolving around weak character development and plot holes/hanging storylines with the character development that has been bothered with.

  22. sewagemate Says:

    you cnat beat nikki she rocked she made the show how it is she should be. anyway jessica eould not do anything that would kill nikkis feelings. in the last episode of season 1 she didnt kill dl for the money shw wanted she she did it for nikki. and i am lead to belive jessica and nathen are dead.

    season 1 episode 5 years later. nikki is with peter and he says jessicas gone now it just me and you. and nathen is dead cause syler flys(nathen power)

  23. Antagonistix Says:

    Agreed with ibiteyoureyes. Mostly.
    But allow me to expand a little, bearing in mind I am half way through S2 and its starting to get 2 painful to watch anymore.

    1) Ali Larter – Please torture her before she is killed
    But surely she must die since she cant use her power.
    We are watching a program called heroes right ?

    2)Kill dumb cousin of Micah. Just for being so dumb. He/it annoys me greatly.

    3)Make monica use her powers or kill her also. Perhaps she has the dumb gene also? Hence = I have powers but will not use unless I am a villain.

    4) Peter petrelli has superpowers the quivalent of superman only more. He can be invisible and do the nuclear thing on top. WHY CANT YOU MAKE HIM USE HIS POWERS for gods sakes. May as well kill him then.

    5) Sylar – BORING – CLICHE – cant you try to be immaginative and have given us a new villain who doesnt just eat brains but uses his own.

    6) Hiro – completely agree – leave him in feudal japan, he dont use his powers either.

    In reality peter could kick sylars ass – so show this, get rid of sylar and give us a Lex Luthor or something new at least. A new power too much to think of? Dumb actors hard to come by?
    WTF ?????

    S1 did start out promising but season 2 is going down the tubes very rapidly. Please be immaginative, creative and show us what we want to see – superpowers BEING USED. Not excuses for people trying to use gifts they have. HEROES.
    If I wanted another soap opera about people with normal human abilities I wouldnt be trying to watch this. You may as well do a Dallas re-run.

    At the very least show an epic Sylar vs Peter battle and get rid of sylar.
    Come on everyone, syand up for having powers being shown rather than a soap opera. Lets vote.

  24. ibiteyoureyes Says:

    Antagonistix,

    I am sending you thirty virtual pies.

    IBYE


  25. I agree with some of your points above, but it makes the time Ali Larter spent on the show look more useless if they kill her. She really has done nothing to fight crime really other than being near Peter so he could gain her power.

    As for Sylar and Peter in Season 2, I really feel the special effects department found a way to be cheap and not spend (aka not have them use powers so much). It’s a letdown to superhero fans!

  26. Milo Says:

    heroes4life,

    First off, I don’t remember anything about how Micah can only talk to computers. The street light he shuts out is not run by a computer, merely a sensor atop the pole that turns the light off and on by how much light it detects. Not to mention the fact that even if he were only capable of commanding computers… automobiles have computers. Disconnect the computer in your car (assuming you have one), and see if it still runs. So that ends that discussion.

    I am COMPLETELY for killing off Ali Larter’s character. It got to the point if her scenes got too long, I would fast forward. She served her purpose of giving the power to Peter, and now she is useless… and boring.

  27. fgodbout Says:

    Love heroes

    Season 2 got only 11 episodes of 24 cause the strike. Fuck the strike.
    Nobody spoke of that, maybe it s why season 2 not so high.
    Easy to stab the show, but it s the strike who stabbed it.
    Love the show because it s the first time the idea of normal humans developing powers with no backgrounds to “fit in”. Find it cute that they explore the psychology of characters, like in any good RPGs.
    Those crying for special effects are what we games call “Hack&Slash” types. They know nothing.

    You dont like it, you don t like me. Buzz off.

    RPG Master for 15 years, I know what this show has. How many of my players just wanted to fight, but the storyline got them up most of the time. The writers got a good formula but I think a fight once or twice by episode may be just fine.

    Damn strike…

  28. Anna Says:

    TOWELS!!! he he could you just IMAGINE? that’s fantastic, honestly, the thought will keep me amused for weeks

  29. corthew Says:

    Heh, you’re a moron. I stopped reading at the point where you were upset that Nicki didn’t use her powers to save Micah’s cousin. Shows how little attention you were paying. She has no powers due to the virus. She even explains that to Micah when he tells her to use them for just that reason. Season 2 was not quite as good as season one but it was far from a let down. I only wish the writer’s strike had not caused them to have to cut the season short. I love the unexpected twists and turns this show takes. Maybe you are upset because it doesn’t go the way you expect it to. Thats what most of us love about it. Stop being such a control freak and either enjoy it or don’t watch it. But stop making moronic comments about a show that you obviously only half watched.

  30. COle Says:

    HERE HERE! CORTHEW
    thank you for saying what i was thinkign before i said it! ppl like the guy who made these comments are what pollutes the internet and make ppl looking for actual facts or fans of something SO FRUSTRATED! so thank you again corthew someone needed to say it!


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