Fixing Heroes Season 3 (With Help From A Gun)
December 1, 2007
NOTE: This is a blog post dedicated to ridiculing Heroes, particularly Season 2 of Heroes. If this sounds despicable to you, don’t read this blog post. If it seems despicable to you and you’re going to read it anyway, please note that there are a few mistakes in the post – something that the author has admitted in the comments section. If you came here looking for information on Season 3 of Heroes, it’s not here, and it never will be. When someone says that they are going to fix something that doesn’t yet exist – with a gun – it’s usually safe to assume that that person is joking in some way, shape, or form.
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For a few episodes, it seemed as if Heroes might rescue itself from the slow stupid suckage that has been its second season. This past week’s episode, however, plus another clause, was probably the single worst of Heroes’s’s’s short history. Probably, this is because it dealt not with a handful of worsening characters with worsening storylines, but two handfuls of worsening characters with worsening storylines.
Moreover, the show creators have not followed the advice that I offered in this post. A-hem:
- Ali Larter is not dead. Kill her. I don’t like her. I’m not sure anyone else does either.
- Hiro might as well still be stuck in ancient Japan, for all you are doing with him.
- Peter Petrelli is back, thank you for that. But instead of kicking ass, he is just turning into a dummy.
- Sylar is back to being a baddie, but instead of rediscovering his power, he has discovered how to be Darth Sidius.
In regards to number three on that list, let me just say that Peter is not the only character getting dumber by the episode. Everyone is getting dumber, if not in what they say and do then in what THEY DO NOT DO WITH THEIR SUPERPOWERS!
Case(s of beer) in point:
- Dumb Cousin of Micah (I bite his acting) steals Micah’s backpack, because it has his comic books in it, which are apparently worth six hundred dollars. Probably, Micah has the issue wherein Superman’s left butt cheek makes its first appearance. Also in the backpack is the medal that Micah’s father, D.H. Lawrence, received for pulling someone out of a burning building, before getting shot by a sleazeball in a club, because his wife’s alter egos are all whores. Anyway, hoodlums and ruffians punch Dumb Cousin of Micah in the nose and steal the backpack, instead of simply telling him how much the comics might fetch, which is all he wanted to know (the answer is probably six hundred dollars). When Micah finds all this out, he punches his Dumb Cousin in his pre-punched nose (a lonely positive note from the episode).
- Micah argues with his mother (still not dead) that if they were real heroes, they would go get that medal. His mother, so as not to risk getting smarter, says that they should leave it to the police. She can toss people across rooms like naughty kittens, but she does not want to interfere in the hoodlum and ruffian vs. the police dynamic. Too bad, because someone might have shot her, and she might have died. This may still happen.
- Other Cousin of Micah, the girl with muscle memory iPod abilities, who has a very sweet voice and a sweeter face and who will probably go on to better things (her own show on the CW), plus another clause, decides that Micah is right, and that they should be using their powers for good (retrieving backpacks). Though she could probably get the medal on her own, she decides to bring Micah. This ends up being a good idea, because without him there, she would have no way of turning off the street lights in front of the Hoodlum and Ruffian Haunted House. While she’s in the house, the hoodlums and ruffians return from their union meeting, a comic book betrays her (with irony!) and she’s caught by the hoodlums and ruffians. They throw her in the back of a van!
- Micah gets upset when his sweet-faced cousin is thrown in the back of a van by comic book poaching hoodlums and ruffians. But instead of being a hero, and turning that van off (like a street light!) he watches the hoodlums and ruffians drive off in their van with his sweet faced cousin. I believe this decision was made so that Ali Larter can be a hero in next week’s finale. Hopefully, she’ll put on a whipped cream bikini, save everybody, and then die. Have I mentioned that I want her to die? America needs Ali Larter for better things, like maybe a sequel to American Outlaws.
If you’re still reading this, you either really like sarcasm, or you’re an idiot like me, and you’re still watching Heroes.
Well, let it be known that I will be tuning in for next week’s finale, mostly so that I can laugh (with bitterness!) just one more time, and then I will be tuning out, for good. The problems with this show run too deep for me to believe they’ll ever be fixed.
Probably, Creators of Heroes just got lucky with their first season. Someone, somewhere along the line, injected just enough actual potential into the fluff that are their shooting scripts, to dupe a large enough percentage of the TV watching population (230% of the population). But the joke’s on them now. Months and months later, We The Audience are actually starting to maybe begin to stop watching the show. Possibly. Hah!
And so, Creators of Heroes, I leave you with one final piece of free advice for how to fix your show in its third season, because I know there will be one.
Take it out back and shoot it. Ride off into that eclipsing sunset. Throw in the towel and pump it full of lead. Click Click Boom.
And then, just before the credits roll, the sun sets (with an eclipse!) and we see the towel. Maybe it is not thrown in after all…
Bullets are slowly pushed back out of the towel as its towel power (spontaneous cotton regeneration) begins to take effect. The towel cannot die. Unless you rip off its (Achilles!) tag. The world has been changed. Forever. Again.
But wait! If this ability were to spread to all sorts of towels…the world would be in danger! What if The Quicker Picker Upper became The Invincible Quicker Picker Upper! What would happen to the economy if cloth and paper towels couldn’t die! And the planet! We’d be overrun by trees!
Yes. You’re right, Creators of Heroes. We need to do it one more time. One more season. I was wrong. We can’t just sit back and let towels and trees take over the world. Then hippies would gain power. And then everyone would be forced to wear sandals. And then, when it begins to rain hammers, as it inevitably will, plus another clause, we’d all break our toes. Unacceptable.
This is America. We will (steal, exploit and) prevail.
A weeee-uuuu eeee-uuu eeee uuu!
If you find it, please return it to me.