Electioneering for dummies

January 28, 2008

It has often been pointed out by me that elections are of the most terrible sort in this country. There is far too much talking and too little violence, even for one to whom the bread and butter of life is itself words. Hence, let us proceed now to consider what sort of ways in which a man may best go about and get himself elected to office.

I. . Jump in bed with the money and never get out.

II. Find a lot of people to stand around you. Preferably beautiful people. But make sure that they have sticks and knives and know how to use them.

III. Accuse your opponent of sexual crimes. With little boys. Then obliquely suggest that he makes love to his sister on a regular basis and offer thousands of witness. Treat this as actual public business, make the Senate ring with such cries!

IV. Occupy the polling places, squeeze out your opponents and chase down the other candidates with armed gangs.

V. Filibuster. Or check the omens again and again. Declare a religious crisis of state and compare yourself to the Scipiones

VI. Recast history at every turn. Let the polls ring with your virtues and compare yourself to a noble Demosthenes, or a Scipio, or a Camillus, or a Fabius Maximus, while your enemy is a vile bribed foreign traitor, debauched in his own depraved Eastern rites.

VII. Use your power and influence to the fullest extent. Every one who ever owes you anything, make him do everything he possibly can for you.

VIII. Bribe everyone. Even slaves and animals.

IX. And when it is all over and you are in power, abscond with public funds. Then get set up with some juicy little province, I was always partial to Syria and squeeze it like an olive, so you can do this all over again.