This morning, I was contacted by our Saladeer-In-Chief, who requested that I write a post on Why The Boston Red Sox Will Not Win the World Series. Why I agreed to do it (I am a Red Sox fan!) I do not know. Ibitemyowneyes.

But a promise is a promise, and so…

Why The Boston Red Sox Will Not Win the World Series

  1. Mascot inferiority. The Colorado Rockies are named after…Rocky Mountain Oysters (follow the link to see how to buy this delicacy). A much more interesting mascot than socks. Never mind the liberties those Bostonians take with spelling their team name.
  2. Misplaced faith. As reported by the New York Times, The Rockies “…Place Their Faith in God, and One Another.” It is rumored that God has slightly more zip on his fastball than Josh Beckett – the primary holder of the Red Sox “faith.” The only glimmer of hope for Red Sox fans, in this regard, is another rumor, started in 1989 by Cleveland Indians veteran pitcher Eddie Harris – that Jesus Christ (part of God’s triple play) may not be able to hit a curve ball.
  3. The contract between Lucifer and Scott Boras. Multiple reports pouring in from the depths of hell (you all smell like cheese) have confirmed that Boras and his superstar client (Alex Rodriguez – pictured here, with his wife-in-a-swimsuit) have been performing “just about every evil incantation” they can think of, in order to assure a Red Sox World Series loss. The thinking behind this strategy: it worked for the Yankees when they were desperate for a return to grace – why wouldn’t their biggest rivals want to follow suit? Boras and A-Rod (pictured here, with his wife-in-a-swimsuit) would then seek a deal with the Red Sox that would reportedly be worth $20 million a year for seventeen years and all the Coke in the Coke bottle at Fenway.
  4. The unborn second child of Bill Simmons. This little ‘fetus,’ as Simmons is calling him, is keeping the arguable spiritual leader of Red Sox Nation (WARNING: Do not say something like this in front of the RemDawg!) away from Fenway park during the World Series. With the return of the Rockie’s spiritual leader on hold for the time being, having Simmons in attendance could provide an advantage to the Red Sox. Yesterday’s Salad’s Rocky Mountain correspondent has learned, however, that Jesus may in fact be very close to Coors Field. So the point may be moot as a boot…in a suit.
  5. A Manny Ramirez Joke.
  6. The Rockies are not the Yankees. If the Red Sox find themselves in a 3-0 hole – which they very well may given all of the above – they may find it difficult (as nigh impossible as moving a well) to fight back and win the series. Not all teams suffer historic collapses in the face of victory.

To learn Why the Colorado Rockies Will Not Win the World Series, click here.

Best of luck to both teams!

With the prospect of nuclear war with North Korea temporarily averted, Major League Baseball, Major League Baseball Advanced Media, and the Major League Baseball Players Association have decided not to cancel the World Series as they did to celebrate the release of Hoop Dreams in 1994. And with the arrival of a World Series (as with a Superbowl) comes the need to FUTURECAST the fore, and to predict qui va [Eric] gagner cette evenement mondiale.

So without further delay, here are but four of the reasons why your Colorado Rockies are doomed to lose to the provincial proletariat’s team, the Boston Red Sox.

1) Getting Around Town. As we learned in our discussion of the Superbowl (two links to that post in the same article; a new record!), having a good transit agency is integral to a team’s postseason success. And while the T is nothing to write home about (especially not in the Massachusetts Bay, where mail is delivered by T and thus takes over a fortnight to arrive at its destination), Denver’s light rail is quite paltry. Besides, much of the T’s problems are a result of the overcrowding caused by being the hub of the universe. FasTracks may someday reify the Denver transit scene, but for now Boston’s system is far more extensive–and not 1.5 Billion over budget. Advantage Boston.

2) Religious Identity: Although the Colorado Rockies’ rise to power would seem to be contemporaneous with their adoption of Jesus as the team’s personal lord and saviour, this success is abnormal. In this new American Secular Age the Rockies, like much of evangelical America, are hopelessly behind the time, strictly qui est out. Have not the Rockies’ brain trust heard of Mr. Sam Harris and his “The End of Faith“? If they have, the Rockies defense is probably along the lines of Mr. Stephen Colbert on his eponymous program:

“Harris begins his standard rap about how “we’re all atheists with regard to Poseidon.” Colbert sternly overrides him, insisting that not all gods are created equal and ‘My god can kick your god’s ass.'” [fuller recap of the interview here]

But what makes the Rockies so sure that their God is superior [full disclosure: this post does not reflect the beliefs of all Saladeers. But for the record, Dash supports Sabbateanism, while the Ciceronian worships at the altar of his own oratory], what makes them sure that the Greek Gods do not walk among us today? After all, the Greek God of Walks plays for the Red Sox and his ability to be both Greek God and Jewish is proof of the ironic nature of identity athetically described by Derrida in his “Interpretations at War: Kant, the Jew, the German.” And until the Rockies embrace the multiplicity of identities, they are doomed to failure (or, at least doomed to being considered structuralist). Read the rest of this entry »