NOTE: This is a blog post dedicated to ridiculing Heroes, particularly Season 2 of Heroes. If this sounds despicable to you, don’t read this blog post. If it seems despicable to you and you’re going to read it anyway, please note that there are a few mistakes in the post – something that the author has admitted in the comments section. If you came here looking for information on Season 3 of Heroes, it’s not here, and it never will be. When someone says that they are going to fix something that doesn’t yet exist – with a gun – it’s usually safe to assume that that person is joking in some way, shape, or form.

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For a few episodes, it seemed as if Heroes might rescue itself from the slow stupid suckage that has been its second season. This past week’s episode, however, plus another clause, was probably the single worst of Heroes’s’s’s short history. Probably, this is because it dealt not with a handful of worsening characters with worsening storylines, but two handfuls of worsening characters with worsening storylines.

Moreover, the show creators have not followed the advice that I offered in this post. A-hem:

  1. Ali Larter is not dead. Kill her. I don’t like her. I’m not sure anyone else does either.
  2. Hiro might as well still be stuck in ancient Japan, for all you are doing with him.
  3. Peter Petrelli is back, thank you for that. But instead of kicking ass, he is just turning into a dummy.
  4. Sylar is back to being a baddie, but instead of rediscovering his power, he has discovered how to be Darth Sidius.

In regards to number three on that list, let me just say that Peter is not the only character getting dumber by the episode. Everyone is getting dumber, if not in what they say and do then in what THEY DO NOT DO WITH THEIR SUPERPOWERS!

Case(s of beer) in point:

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A friend of mine recently sent me a marketing email regarding this product, the myvu, a video eyewear device for connecting to your iPod, or portable video player of choice. With apologies to this friend…it’s eyebiting time.

I do not know if I have ever come across a product so worthy of a bite in the eyes – due in no small part to the fact that the creators of this myvu decided (with audacity!) to center the concept of the product itself around eyewear (the last line of defense against the eyebite). But biteyoureyes I will, myvu-ers.

1. Stupid mfing name. The latest in a recent string of stupid product or web site names that sound more like a Star Trek alien, or an inoculant, than something you can use. Not that anyone is going to use this thing (I hope.)

2. If my hope goes dry, and people do use these things, the myvu is going to cause some monumental Geordi LaForge confusion. Everyone is going to think they’re Geordi LaForge!

Myvu-er #1: Hello. My name is Geordi LaForge.

Myvu-er#2: You aren’t Geordi. I am Geordi!

Myvu-er#1: You ain’t nothin’ but a Kunta Kinte in space googles.

Myvu-er#2: Oh yeah?! Well…Reading Rainbow!

3. The creators of the myvu seem to think its a good idea to market this product as something that is safe to use while walking around the city. This will cause:

  • People to get hit by buses.
  • Podriatic glaucoma.
  • Hard-ons in the streets (naughty boys myvu-ing porn).

That’s as good a place to end as any. Hard-ons in the streets. Myvu-ers…(creators and users alike)? I break yo’ fancy Geordi LaForge glasses. And…

…ibiteyoureyes.