Hottest Cartoon Redheads

December 20, 2007

  1. Jessica Rabbit. Anyone who tries to argue otherwise either thinks its pathetic and creepy to discuss the hotness of cartoon redheads, or is just plain crazy.
  2. Jane Jetson. Jane Jetson is not as hot as Judy Jetson, but then again Judy Jetson is not a redhead.
  3. Erin Esurance. Technically a pinkhead, I allowed Erin Esurance on this list because she’ll kick the asses of all my robots if I don’t include her.
  4. The Little Mermaid. Ariel is pretty hot, but certain physiological unknowns cause her to drop a few spots.
  5. Jean Grey. Technically a comic book character first, and a cartoon second, otherwise she would probably challenge Jessica Rabbit for number one.
  6. Mary Jane Parker. Again, she’s technically a comic book character first. But Jean Grey is a little hotter, plus I have a lot of respect for Spider Man so I wouldn’t necessarily move on Mary Jane unless he did something really awful… like wear his hair down and dance with another woman right in front of Mary Jane (at her place of business!) just to make her jealous.
  7. Louis Griffin. I originally had Lois higher on this list, but my girlfriend talked me out of it. Also, the woman who voices Lois is also the woman who played Ms. Swan on MadTV, and Ms. Swan is about as unattractive as she is hilarious.
  8. Daphne Scooby Doo. I’m not that into Daphne, but shepicksyournose thinks that she is cartoon sexy.
  9. Wilma Flinstone. I like the bod that Wilma “Rocks,” but a woman’s eyes are important to me and Wilma’s share a little too much of a likeness with Frosty the Snowman’s.

Two big old Hollywood motion pictures are due to come out in the next several weeks, and I am here to tell ahead of time you that you are most definitely going to want to miss both of them. The two movies are I Am Legend and Awake.

I Am Legend stars Will Smith. He plays the last man on Earth. The Earth was overrun by a vampires, or a virus, or a vampire virus. New York is a post-apocalyptic mess and he has a dog. Here is a trailer and here is the website.

Awake is packed with more talent than Ann-Margret’s bra. It stars Hadyen Christensen and Jessica Alba. He plays a man who remains conscious after being “sedated” for an open heart surgical procedure. Terrence Howard is his friend and his open heart surgeon, and he is going to kill Hayden during the surgery so that he can take his money. Jessica Alba appears throughout the movie and looks cute. Pretty. Cutepretty. The producers of this film decided to use the song from the final episode of Six Feet Under for their trailer. Here is that trailer and here is the website.

A question that revolves (infinitely) around the premise for I Am Legend:

If Will Smith is the last man on Earth…why would I want to watch this movie? Is it a satire? Because if it isn’t, I already know how the movie must end, even if it doesn’t end this way. Will Smith needs to be ripped to a million shreds by vampires in the first minute of the movie. And then the credits should roll. While I would love for this to happen more than you could possible know (I would pay the full price of a ticket to see this movie if it were over in one minute) I am not sure that it will. Will Smith is either not the last man on Earth, or he’s not the last man on Earth because he’s going to miraculously cure everyone of their vampire sickness. Or he is the last man on Earth, and the rest of us don’t care, because the human race is dead because there is no one left for Will Smith to bury his bone in and therefore all is lost. All of these potential cases make your movie a lie.

A question that revolves (infinitely) around Awake:

If Hayden Christensen is awake during his surgery, but is technically asleep, and if the plot of this motion picture attraction takes place predominantly while he is asleep but awake (as the trailer suggests), how can his character contribute to that plot in any way? Does he have telepathic abilities? Is he Matt Parkman? Or is Jessica Alba trading in her Sue Storm for a little Jean Grey? I know for a fact that she can’t be Jean Grey because Famke Janssen is Jean Grey. I suspect that your movie is also a lie.

Also, the Flash websites for both of these movies suck. I could probably figure out how to navigate through them, but I am tired from working all day and I shouldn’t have to turn my mouse into a poking stick or a frenzied magic wand just to get some information.

Youarenotlegend.

Yourarenotawake.

Yourmarketingbitesmyeyes.