I am currently in the middle of a very confusing relationship.

The love and affection I receive from this person is constant and without fail. No matter how gloomy the weather or mood, no matter how shitty the day, this person is always able to offer me love. This person’s love is a beacon, pulsing in regular intervals throughout the night. This love calls out to drifting ships and low flying planes, to the city’s quick steppers and stragglers alike. This love is timed to the heart beat.

“I Love You! I Love You! Allelujah!”

The tall, skinny man shuffle-strides down Broadway, right hand raised, poised, holding a Book. His eyes face forward, unyielding. In many ways, this man embodies the opposite of How One Should Be in New York.

My small three bedroom apartment is off of Broadway, and I chance into this man, this erstwhile lover, with frequency. And when I do, I am struck by the most conflicted feelings imaginable.

At first, I am delighted by this selfless man, walking day in day out, proffering the love of his heart to each and every one of us, to complete strangers. What could he expect to receive in kind from us? Agape, altruism, pure love.

Immediately following a bite from this love bug, my heart makes a whiplash turn. The unceasing love call pounds into my ears like a drum. I want to shake him to make him stop! I want to do something nasty and demand love in return. He doesn’t know me! What sort of love is unqualified? What sort of love is untainted by circumstance? How can that be love at all? Who is he serving when he says he loves me?

Am I jealous that his love is not personal? Am I jealous that I have to share him with everyone else on Broadway?

I don’t think so.

I am angry at the Love Man. Love is not an idea; it’s not even an emotion. Love is a balm, a cool kiss on abraded skin. Love is whispered right into your ear; it tickles the cochlea and stirrup. Love is an arrow piercing your chest.

Love does not shout down the walls of your heart. Love is not one-size-fits-all.

One day, I want to stop this man in the street and ask him who I am, ask him what I need, ask him how I must be loved.

Two big old Hollywood motion pictures are due to come out in the next several weeks, and I am here to tell ahead of time you that you are most definitely going to want to miss both of them. The two movies are I Am Legend and Awake.

I Am Legend stars Will Smith. He plays the last man on Earth. The Earth was overrun by a vampires, or a virus, or a vampire virus. New York is a post-apocalyptic mess and he has a dog. Here is a trailer and here is the website.

Awake is packed with more talent than Ann-Margret’s bra. It stars Hadyen Christensen and Jessica Alba. He plays a man who remains conscious after being “sedated” for an open heart surgical procedure. Terrence Howard is his friend and his open heart surgeon, and he is going to kill Hayden during the surgery so that he can take his money. Jessica Alba appears throughout the movie and looks cute. Pretty. Cutepretty. The producers of this film decided to use the song from the final episode of Six Feet Under for their trailer. Here is that trailer and here is the website.

A question that revolves (infinitely) around the premise for I Am Legend:

If Will Smith is the last man on Earth…why would I want to watch this movie? Is it a satire? Because if it isn’t, I already know how the movie must end, even if it doesn’t end this way. Will Smith needs to be ripped to a million shreds by vampires in the first minute of the movie. And then the credits should roll. While I would love for this to happen more than you could possible know (I would pay the full price of a ticket to see this movie if it were over in one minute) I am not sure that it will. Will Smith is either not the last man on Earth, or he’s not the last man on Earth because he’s going to miraculously cure everyone of their vampire sickness. Or he is the last man on Earth, and the rest of us don’t care, because the human race is dead because there is no one left for Will Smith to bury his bone in and therefore all is lost. All of these potential cases make your movie a lie.

A question that revolves (infinitely) around Awake:

If Hayden Christensen is awake during his surgery, but is technically asleep, and if the plot of this motion picture attraction takes place predominantly while he is asleep but awake (as the trailer suggests), how can his character contribute to that plot in any way? Does he have telepathic abilities? Is he Matt Parkman? Or is Jessica Alba trading in her Sue Storm for a little Jean Grey? I know for a fact that she can’t be Jean Grey because Famke Janssen is Jean Grey. I suspect that your movie is also a lie.

Also, the Flash websites for both of these movies suck. I could probably figure out how to navigate through them, but I am tired from working all day and I shouldn’t have to turn my mouse into a poking stick or a frenzied magic wand just to get some information.

Youarenotlegend.

Yourarenotawake.

Yourmarketingbitesmyeyes.

Ever since I moved in with shepicksyournose (who is a hippie), I have been more vigilant about recycling. “Real” garbage goes in the garbage can, bottles and cans (of beer, oh my!) go in the blue garbage, and paper and cardboard…get tossed in the corner of the room and behind the real garbage until such time as I gather the pile up in my arms piece by piece and throw it all out in the BIG paper garbage can outside the building. This much I have learned.

And to be honest, I feel better about it (my recycled garbage). I even separate my trash at work…though I recently watched the custodial lady for the office building “empty” my recycling bin by reaching into it with her hands, pulling the recyclable trash out, and disappearing into the hallway…where I know for a fact (a fact! a pact! a little bit a tact!) that she’s got only one garbage bag in her little yellow cart. So let me be clear about something before I say what I am about to say: I think it is a good thing that New York City advocates its recycling program.

However, if the city really wants to get people to recycle, it should probably spend more time and money impressing their target demographic…you know…people who live in the general realm of this decade.

I just saw a recycling commercial for New York’s program. On first viewing, I thought it had been retrofitted, culturally, to the 1980s. Later, I saw the commercial again. And then I thought, “Wait a minute. This commercial is actually from The 80s!”

Internet! Teach me!

  1. Found the web page for the recycling program: http://www.nyc.gov/html/nycwasteless/html/at_home/at_home.shtml.
  2. Browsed, looking for a page that might have video.
  3. After a few seconds. I found what I was looking for. I got lucky. I could have browsed forever, considering where that page was tucked away. Forever. On the Internet, that means four and a half minutes!
  4. Scrolled (like a man so bold!) down the page, in search of a poster image that matched up with the commercial I had just seen. Found that poster image.
  5. Discovered (like a man uncovered!) that the commercial was not as old as I had thought. It last appeared, before 2007, in 2004. Although, according to the page, the commercial was originally developed in 2001.
  6. Except I scrolled down some more, and saw the same poster image, for a set of commercials developed in 1997 and 1998 (practically the 1980s!).
  7. A recycled recycling commercial! What’s next? A bird watcher from Texas who stalks and snipes cats under a bridge?
  8. But then I saw with my own eyes…that I was wrong.

Upon closer inspection…the truth…as reported by Internet:

They are all different commercials. The characters were conceived in 1997. Ten years ago. New York City is just trying to keep up a storyline. You know, stay with a consistent brand image. And, anyway, the commercials are pretty entertaining.

So what’s the problem? Why do all of you have to be so critical all the time?

Please recycle.

I! Am! Ibiteyoureyes!

Today, ibiteyoureyes subscribed to a cable television service for the first time in five years. After about three commercial breaks, he broke his jaw…trying to bite his own eyes. What particular commercial served as the final straw (paralyzed my camel)?

The commercial featuring a dancing grilled cheese sandwich? No. A dancing grilled cheese sandwich commercial is perfectly all right. If it annoys you, you can always smash a jukebox, go make a grilled cheese sandwich, and eat it in rips and growls (sigh…commercial still wins).

No. It was a commercial for a news segment on ABC-7 Eyewitness News: New York. A segment providing all the information you need about the Chinese “Toy Containing a ‘Date-Rape Drug” getting pulled.

Go. Leave Yesterday’s Salad, at least for a moment. Read this important article.

Because it is important – just to be clear. There’s nothing funny about children getting sick. But there’s something sick about trying to draw viewers’ attention by throwing the phrase ‘Date Rape’ into a headline – when it has very little to do with the main point. Or what should be the main point.

ABC-7 New York…? Ibiteyour(Eye)witness News.

…and just because I can’t help myself: Don’t leave your children alone in Australian bars or nightclubs with that toy.

Ibiteyoureyes was riding home on the good old New York City subway system a few days ago when he witnessed a not uncommon – but often uncomfortable – occurrence: a woman with a stroller needed to get up a long flight of subway stairs, and she needed help doing it.

(There was a baby in the stroller.)

Luckily for ibiteyoureyes, who was in very close physical proximity to the problem at hand, and who is terrified by the prospect of potentially dropping a stranger’s baby (only mildly scared of this scenario when dealing with a friend or family member’s baby) the strollered mother asked a teenage boy in a hoodie and droopy-pants to help her. This was a brilliant pick – and served as a good sign that the baby would eventually be carried safely to the top of the stairs. Why, do you ask? Oh! Well…

1. An upturned hood reduces peripheral vision, serving in very much the same way as blinders do for a horse. This allows the stranger helping you to carry your baby to focus on the task at hand. In the case of this particular teenager, he was probably even more focused while carrying the baby – he had his iTunes drowning out all the noise of the subway as well.

2. While droopy-pants may at first seem like a potential danger (if those pants droop too much, the stranger will trip and the baby will fall) the overwhelming majority of droopy-pantsed teenagers in hoodies have been waddling along in their droopy-pants for a long, long time. Teenage boys are master waddlers, and this is what’s important to getting that baby safely atop the streets of New York (after that, mother and child will have to face capitalism and tourism and gentrification and etc. on their own). A waddle is a wide, deliberate way of walking. You don’t see a lot of waddlers losing their balance and steering babies into stairway walls. They may be slow, and they may look like a duck, but you aren’t likely to see a waddler fall – especially when you add so many years of droopy-pants experience to the equation.

3. No one is less interested in a baby than a teenage boy (with the exception of budding pedophiles). Much like the observations dealt with in section one of this analysis – this has to do with an ideal lack of distractions. Unless the baby is farting, made out of boobs, or possesses the comedic prowess of Baby Sinclair, your average strollered mother can safely assume that if she chooses a teenage boy to help carry her baby up the subway stairs – he will not lose focus when faced with a potential cutesy-wutsey face, or cutsey-wutesey giggle, or bubbling vomit (maybe bubbling vomit). There is a flip-side to this argument: one could make a case for the benefits that would come from the stranger being interested by the baby. While it is possible, there’s a big difference between fleeting interest and actually caring about a strange baby. For this counter-argument to hold either water (or better yet – Gatorade A.M) you’d have to be dealing with a very charming and charismatic baby.

People you should absolutely not entrust with your baby: Read the rest of this entry »