Today’s Polls 11.11.08

November 11, 2008

American voters and everyday people from all around the world have been awaiting this election with white-knuckle excitement, and loyal readers of Yesterday’s Salad know that we at the site work around the clock to stay on the bleeding edge of electoral news between daily re-readings of Rationalism in Politics and Other Essays.  Infrequent readers and those arriving at the site from Google and other search engines may be familiar with our in-house prognostication team, known for our award-wining 2007-2008 series of candidate profiles, People Who Won’t Be President, the only set of candidate profiles that is guaranteed to be valid well into January 2009.

Devotees of Yesterday’s Salad are also aware that this election obsession evinces considerable “mission creep” into our primary role as an Art and Culture blog. While we apologize for the fact that this has sometimes transformed posts on American sociology into blatant king-making (such as this post from February 2007 wherein we all but declared for Barack Obama), occasionally it has produced true creative dissonance, such as our definitive political/gaming analysis proving that Sarah Palin is not the Lara Croft of young conservatives. While we are intrinsically averse to such change — not to mention our categorical opposition to Marxism, Socialism, Bill Ayers, Gertrude the Carpenter, and Joementum — we are occasionally in favor of change we can believe in, provided that it is not easily “xeroxed.”

A obvious contradiction is inherent in Yesterday’s Salad, namely that a blog so rooted in conservatism and aloof reflection (the Yesterday is there for a reason) has proved so oracular.  Yet, there exists a more essential, but less obvious contradiction to the site. While we contributors prefer to see the world sub specie aeternitatis (it took years to even get the blog onto a computer), our readers desperately seek the latest newfangled thing, which in this year of election-mania is polls.

While we can see that polls are an unequivocal ill to society — one only need look at the average liberal blogger to see a portrait of caffeine-addled poll-addiction, blearily scanning Five-Thirty-Eight and frantically clicking “refresh” — we are also committed to being a publication for readers. And we will continue to honor our readers’ myopic wishes until they are “thrown under the bus” during our inevitable reboot under the editorship of Tina Brown.  We can only hope that our half-hearted championing of polls sparks an inevitable public backlash against the institution of polls, not unlike the paradoxical effect of Burke’s opposition to Warren Hastings.  It may not be in keeping with our founding philosophy, and it might not even qualify as a half-baked idea, but it’s certainly the maverick thing to do.

c/o Wikipedia, FooFighter20x

From the outset, our inaugural presidential poll looks good for Democratic candidate Barack Obama. Samples from the perpetual bellwether state of Iowa show Obama carrying the state’s seven electoral votes, along with the backwater state of Ohio’s twenty presidential chits. Similarly, residents of the hipper states of the Southwest, such as Colorado and New Mexico, are staunchly “drinking the [Obama] kool-aid.” While McCain seems to be gaining some ground among voters in the so-called “secession-belt” of the rural Southeast, the turning of some heretofore Republican strongholds on the East coast, such as Virginia and North Carolina may be enough to guarantee an overall Obama victory.  Up to this point, the election has been hard-fought, and it is clear that Barack Obama has earned our model’s projected 365-173 victory in blood and good old-fashioned elbow grease. While some might point to McCain’s concession speech as an ironclad sign of Obama’s victory, we would like to remind skeptics that so long as Dick Cheney remains in office, the identity of our next president is really anyone’s guess.

So, we encourage readers to tune into our next session of election-related hepatomancy, wherein we will release another set of heart-breakingly banal polling data, and unearth the all-too obvious truth behind the biggest Palin mystery of all (much to the chagrin of goatee-pundit and fanatic truth-monger Andrew Sullivan): namely, that we are *all* the mother of Trig Palin.

2008 Watch: The Return?

October 28, 2007

Mr. TWhere have I been? Astute readers will note I was last seen here challenging the internuts to duels. It’s not everyday that I get the chance to brandish my cherished flintlocks, so naturally I entered into honorable combat with a certain gusto. What I had not counted on was that the LAPD would choose to uphold the law–also with a certain gusto (and with significantly more modern weaponry). I was detained by the authorities, but I promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, I survive as a blogger of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find me… no wait, that doesn’t sound right.

Regardless, I was on the run from the law and had to maintain radio silence at all times. My benefactor and semi-professional linguist Dash Hammarskjold recently managed to track me down. In exchange for my eternal servitude, he agreed to smuggle me out of California and into a third world country with poor extradition laws. That’s right: Dash (or Herr Hammarskjold as he insists on being called) sent me to Iowa to resume my duties as lead political correspondent for YSMedia and our sister blogs worldwide.

The fact is that whoever wins Iowa will probably be the next president. All of the campaigns have invested so many resources here that to lose will be a huge sign of weakness. Needless to say, there is a lot riding on these January caucuses, especially if you are under the (mistaken) impression that the president actually runs our government. So, here now, is what’s really going on in Iowa which the news media may is ignoring. To be honest, I have no idea what they’re reporting. Per company edict, Dash had forbidden the viewing of any TV network not owned by GlobalSlaladTech Inc. As you may have noticed, however, our TV division pretty much sucks. There, I said it. Actual content after the break.

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