2008 Watch: The Return?

Where have I been? Astute readers will note I was last seen here challenging the internuts to duels. It’s not everyday that I get the chance to brandish my cherished flintlocks, so naturally I entered into honorable combat with a certain gusto. What I had not counted on was that the LAPD would choose to uphold the law–also with a certain gusto (and with significantly more modern weaponry). I was detained by the authorities, but I promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, I survive as a blogger of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find me… no wait, that doesn’t sound right.

Regardless, I was on the run from the law and had to maintain radio silence at all times. My benefactor and semi-professional linguist Dash Hammarskjold recently managed to track me down. In exchange for my eternal servitude, he agreed to smuggle me out of California and into a third world country with poor extradition laws. That’s right: Dash (or Herr Hammarskjold as he insists on being called) sent me to Iowa to resume my duties as lead political correspondent for YSMedia and our sister blogs worldwide.

The fact is that whoever wins Iowa will probably be the next president. All of the campaigns have invested so many resources here that to lose will be a huge sign of weakness. Needless to say, there is a lot riding on these January caucuses, especially if you are under the (mistaken) impression that the president actually runs our government. So, here now, is what’s really going on in Iowa which the news media may is ignoring. To be honest, I have no idea what they’re reporting. Per company edict, Dash had forbidden the viewing of any TV network not owned by GlobalSlaladTech Inc. As you may have noticed, however, our TV division pretty much sucks. There, I said it. Actual content after the break.

The big story here is the ongoing rise of the Reverend Mike Huckabee. Or as I call it, the Huckaboom. Who is Mike Huckabee? No clue. Apparently he plays the guitar or something. Let’s just assume he holds (or held) elected office somewhere. Perhaps the most incredible thing about this is that Huckabee has been rising in the polls while being beaten in advertising about 72,000 to -500. Yes, Huckabee has managed to run a negative number of ads since he’s been a huge recipient of attack ads courtesy of the Club for Growth and other organizations for billionaires and hundred-millionaires who one day aspire to billionaires.

At any rate, the man running the most ads so far has been Mitt “Mittler” Romney, who has managed to convert his vast hoard of Mormon gold into a respectable third place nationally. The problem for him is that, on the whole, his ads are irredeemable pieces of Dukakisian shit. In one notable ad, he is quoted as saying that we should “indict” international bad boy and YS reader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Seriously? We should indict him? Ok, whatever you say John Kerry. Maybe after that, we can finally file a formal grievance against Gaddafi. If the 2004 election has taught us anything, it’s that Americans believe that the rule of law is, essentially, for pussies. By saying he would indict, rather than hyper-waterboard Mahmoud after mega-incinerating Tehran, Romney is admitting to the world that he, in fact, has a uterus. This is a real problem because if there’s anyone Republicans want to gruesomely murder more than Ahmadinejad, it’s the queen bee herself, Hillary Rodham Clinton, who Republicans also hate for her lady parts. Luckily for Romney, it’s not clear if any of the other candidates can convincingly man up enough to take him down.

On the Democratic side, Hillary Clinton is running the Studio 60 candidacy. It all seems familiar and even, at times, entertaining. Still, you really just can’t get over the fact that, much like Studio 60, there’s no rationale for its existence. Even so, it really doesn’t matter. At least Studio 60 had Bradley Whitford, who is a cool dude. With the Clinton campaign you run into the problem that the cast members are inherently unlikable and you have a rehashed script. The end result is that you have a candidate who has retained a good amount of the previous show’s audience, but not enough to make a difference. Congratulations. You just read the long version of “a whole lot of people not only would never vote for Hillary Clinton, but will actively revel in watching her lose.”

But who is going to beat her? The problem for Barack Obama is that most Iowans know he’s really a terrorist sleeper agent. Ok, so they don’t know that he’s a terrorist, but they do know he’s a Mohammedan and so there’s about an 80% chance he’s a terrorist. Unless he’s one of the good ones you sometimes see in movies. The silver lining in all of this for Obama is that people would still rather vote for a terrorist than Hillary Clinton, so he’s still in this race.

Bill Richardson made a big splash with his not-as-funny-as-everybody-said-they-were ads. Since then, he has failed to lock up his key demographic: ornery contrarian middle aged men with whom Joe Biden has been able to make serious inroads (it’s that whole bird of a feather thing). Without that key constituency, which by my estimates may be as much as 178% of Iowa, you just have a Latino with a gringo’s name. The result? Nobody actually likes him.

As for John Edwards: remember Dick Gephardt? Really? Well, damn, maybe you should be the one writing this post. Anyways, that’s what John Edwards is right now. He’s a retread candidate who a number of people still like because they don’t realize that it’s 2007 already. The people answering the polls? Yeah, half of them still haven’t caught up with the 2004 results yet. Hell, I’ve met people who still consider that Michael Dukakis fella to be a rising star. Boy, we’d better keep an eye on that guy.

So what does all of this mean? That Joe Biden will probably be president. Or maybe, as the sage-like Denny Crane would tell you, Jeb Bush.